Saturday, 29 August 2026

The Art of Keeping Files Pending

 (Or, the benefits of timely transfers)


Permanency of posting in a transferable government job is an uncommon boon. The actual job may change—from ministry to department, from department to a deputation—but as long as the station of posting remains the same, the family has much to be grateful for. The children continue in the same school, with the same schoolmates and neighbourhood friends. The wife, whether working or otherwise, benefits from the stability and is spared the periodic trauma of packing up a home, moving and setting up another one, where a leaking bathroom may once again be a charming architectural feature.

But there is a limit to everything. Being in the same office for more than a certain length of time—I would put the limit at two years—begins to tell on one’s shoulders.

One handles an astonishing number of papers, letters and files in the course of one’s duties. These may broadly be divided into three categories. The first category is disposed of the same day. These are the easy ones. There is nothing to be decided, nobody important to offend, and no precedent to be created. One signs, initials, marks, forwards and closes. The file disappears, and one goes home with the satisfying feeling that governance has been conducted.

The second category requires a little deliberation. There may be some toing and froing, a reference to another department, perhaps a meeting, a clarification, an opinion from somebody who has an opinion on everything, and finally a decision. These files, too, eventually find their way out. After all, things must move. It does not matter how much back-and-forth movement is required before the file actually moves forward. This is the hard work one does.

It is the third category that is dangerous. These are the files that begin to accumulate. The matter may be too complex and require more thought than our engagement in the mundane business of administration permits. It may require a decision that cannot conveniently be passed upward, because the boss may spurn such moves. Nor can it be passed downward, because the subordinate may actually expect some guidance. Worse still, the matter may involve taking a view.

Taking a view is an especially hazardous activity in government. A view, once taken, becomes a view. It can be questioned, challenged, examined, audited, reviewed, investigated and, in extreme cases, remembered. It is therefore prudent to allow some matters to mature. Such files are placed on the proverbial back burner, or, more commonly, on the back shelf.

At first, there is no cause for alarm. The file is placed there with every intention of returning to it shortly. One merely needs some time to think. Tomorrow, perhaps. Or, after the meeting. Certainly, by Friday. Friday comes and goes. The file remains.

After a while, the pile begins to grow. One puts another file on top of it. Then another. Eventually, the stack acquires a certain height and, with it, a certain authority. It is no longer an unattended file. It has become a pending matter. This distinction is important. A file that has been pending for a week is an administrative problem. A file that has been pending for six months is an institutional phenomenon. A file that has survived for two years has become part of the furniture.

By now, the pile has also acquired a personality. It sits quietly on the back shelf, apparently doing nothing, but making its presence felt every morning and every evening. It becomes self-protecting. It is an eyesore, a monument to indecision, and a standing reminder of something that was, quite literally, the purpose of one’s job.

The shoulders begin to droop a tiny bit every time one passes by it—figuratively, if not physically. And then, one fine morning, the pile speaks. “O Mighty Bade Sahib,” it seems to say, “what happened to your phenomenal administrative prowess? What became of that famed ability to sift the wheat from the chaff? When, pray, do I get your attention and permission to move on?”

One ignores it for that is what back shelves are meant for. The department has, meanwhile, been sending reminders. The boss has mentioned the matter. The boss’s boss has mentioned it. There has perhaps even been a meeting in which it was decided that the matters should be “looked into expeditiously.”

The file is duly looked into. And then looked away from. Another reminder arrives. One marks it to the concerned person. The concerned person is oneself. This arrangement can continue for quite some time.

Eventually, even the reminders stop. This is not necessarily bad news. It may simply mean that everyone has forgotten the matter. Or that those who have not forgotten have learnt from experience that the file is stuck for good. The system, in its infinite wisdom, adjusts itself to the existence of the pending file. Life moves on around it. But the file does not.

By now, two years have gone by. The pile continues to sit there, quietly accusing one of having failed to become the perfect sarkari sahib one had imagined oneself to be when one first joined. One may be indifferent to many things in life and office, but it is difficult to remain indifferent to a hulk of waiting papers staring down at you every day from the back shelf.

This is the point at which a transfer becomes necessary. Not because one is tired of the place. Not because the work is difficult. Certainly not because one wishes to escape responsibility. One simply needs a fresh challenge. A new office offers the ideal solution.

The old files can be left behind. The new officer will arrive with the same enthusiasm with which one arrived two years earlier—fresh, energetic, determined to make a difference, and blissfully unaware of what is waiting on the back shelf.

The family, meanwhile, need not suffer. One seeks a transfer, preferably to another office in the same town. The children stay in the same school. The wife stays in the same job. The house remains the same. Everybody is happy. And, most importantly, the pending files remain where they belong: now somebody else’s problem.

There is, however, one small flaw in this otherwise flawless system. The person who has preceded you in the new office has probably been operating on precisely the same principles.  He too had arrived two years earlier with enthusiasm, administrative zeal and a determination to dispose of all pending matters. He too had discovered the third category. He too had found the back shelf. And he too had eventually concluded that what his department really needed was a change of leadership.

But that, as they say is a matter for consideration separately, and no longer one's responsibility.

---ooo---

Monday, 6 July 2026

Inane Inaugurations

 


As the Divisional Railway Manager of Salem in Tamil Nadu I was visited by an ADMK MP from my area. He was also a powerful politician of the state. TN Assembly elections were looming and he had to show some achievement to his constituents, but more importantly to Ms. Jayalalitha, fondly called Amma, who was the Chief Minster.

So, he came and held my hands in his, looked me in the eyes and said, “Saar! I have to show some action. Amma is watching and I must do it in the next few days to show my relevance.”

I asked him how I could help him. He requested that some inauguration by him would be impactful. Now, we had no pending inaugurations in his constituency, not anything due for a foundation stone either. I told him that. “Please do something. I have to show progress,” He pleaded. 

Nothing touches the lives of the common man like the Railways. I understood his desperation and the shortcut to prove his accomplishment. So, I called my officers and asked them to find some public cause that the Hon’ble MP could inaugurate. After some discussion we found that an underpass that was sanctioned for his town years ago was a “work” we could address. The underpass was never built since the land needed for it, on either side of the rail track, could not be acquired. The area was heavily populated and there was no sign that land acquisition could ever be done.

The girders and beams for that underpass just lay there like an eyesore for years gathering dust and weathering under the elements. They had probably become unusable even if the underpass were to be built in near future. I explained my predicament to the MP Saheb. But he wouldn’t leave unless I promised him something to demonstrate. 

One of my officers came up with a brilliant idea, “Sir, we could get a Bhoomi Poojan done by the MP Saar.” Bhoomi Poojan promises nothing - it is neither a foundation-stone event nor an inauguration. But a public show was possible out of it that would serve the purpose of MP Saheb. 

I had the upper hand, and also the fate of the powerful politician in my grip. I told him, “Sir, as suggested, we can organise a Bhoomi Poojan. But I won’t be able to spend any money for the ceremony since it was a non-event for me.” He immediately offered that he would meet all expenses for the function.

The day of Bhoomi Poojan came and I went there at the assigned time. To my surprise I found a shamiyama erected with decoration, dozens of chairs, loudspeaker, and basketfuls of laddoos. Coconuts were cracked ceremoniously on the innocent girders, speeches given and sweets distributed to partymen, mediamen and railwaymen. The Hon’ble MP, relieved and teary-eyed, again held my hands in his and thanked me profusely.

Many months later, when my term as DRM was coming to an end, and the mandarins of the Railway Ministry had decided to send me out to some obscure place, my PRO advised me to seek a return favour from the MP Saheb. I, along with my PRO, went to his office in the constituency. He looked at me and said, “I think I have seen you somewhere.” 

My PRO was very upset and told me right there, “Sir, let’s go. He doesn’t remember you even after the undue favour you did to him.” And, we walked out before his neurons reconnected and he asked for one more Bhoomi Poojan.

The underpass remains unconstructed to this day.

                     ---ooo---


Friday, 15 May 2026

Dubey Ji, Petrol Price Hike, and Railway Finance

 


The Diesel Locomotive Works (DLW), Varanasi, had an in-house petrol pump meant for DLW employees. It probably exists even today. There was no price advantage vis-a-vis the city pumps but we were sure of the purity and correct measurement. An Office Superintendent (OS) of my office, Dubey Ji, was entrusted with operating the pump for about an hour every morning. He was paid a small honorarium for this extra work.


One day, in an early morning surprise move, as it always happens, petrol prices were raised by a few rupees. Dubey Ji, unaware of the hike, sold several hundred litres of petrol that morning. There was an under recovery of a few thousand rupees in that one hour of sale. 


A DyFA&CAO, who never came to office before 11:00 O’Clock, landed at the petrol pump, with a previously never seen alacrity, sharp at 9:00 AM, when the sale usually ended, and seized records of sale. Within half-an-hour he sent a note to my office demanding that the loss of thousands be recovered from Dubey Ji and compliance given. The Finance/Accounts department could have done it by itself but the DyFA Saheb wanted to make a show of his alertness.


Dubey Ji, with a long face, brought the note to me saying that he didn’t want to do the thankless job any more. Dubey Ji, one of the dozens of Office Superintendents of DLW, was an elderly man, widely respected and trusted. Nobody had ever raised a finger at him for any wrongdoing in the high volume sale of petrol he did every morning. I told him to relax and not bother about the financial diktat.


I, then, in another half-an-hour, wrote back to the same DyFA Saheb that the OS did not get a newspaper allowance, which he could spend on reading newspapers every morning. There was no way that I could be sure that he was officially informed of the price hike. On the other hand the DyFA was getting a monthly allowance of three hundred rupees every month for newspapers. Surely, the DyFA must have read that morning’s newspaper before the DLW pump had opened for the day. Why didn’t he turn up at the pump displaying the same sense of financial alertness before the pump opened?


Then I wrote that I refuse to carry out any recovery from Dubey Ji’s salary and suggested that the same be recovered from the DyFA’s salary.


Needless to say the DyFA’s note was promptly withdrawn. 

Sunday, 10 May 2026

तौलिये में लिपटा साहब

 


आपने बाथरूम से निकलती अपने लंबे गीले बालों पर तौलिया लपेटे सुंदरियों के चित्र और वीडियो ज़रूर देखे होंगे। सौंदर्य से हतप्रभ आप यह भी ज़रूर भूल गये होंगे कि विज्ञापन शैंपू का था, तौलिये का, या वैवाहिक कुंडलियाँ मिलाने वाली एजेंसी का। नवयौवना की ख़ुशी विज्ञापन की फीस के सापेक्ष होती है। पर उसके उलट आपने देखा होगा कि जब अस्पताल में नर्स तौलिये में लपेटे नवजात शिशु को उसकी माँ को सौंपती है तो प्रसव से निकली माँ के चेहरे पर कैसा वात्सल्यपूर्ण आह्लाद निखर आता है, जो कि सर्वथा निश्छल और नैसर्गिक होता है।


जब सरकार नया अफ़सर भर्ती करती है, तो वैसे ही यूपीएससी बड़ी नाजुकता से एक-एक अधिकारी को तौलिये में लपेटकर सरकार की गोद में डाल देती है - हमारा काम ख़त्म हुआ, अब आप इस आधिकारिक शिशु का ज़िम्मा सँभालें, और जो बन सकता है कर लें। फिर जैसे महारथी कर्ण का कवच-कुंडल उसकी वय एवं काया के साथ बढ़ता गया था, वह यूपीएससी का तौलिया भी साहब के पद एवं महत्व के साथ ही बढ़ता जाता है और फिर साहब की कुर्सी के पीछे जम जाता है। आपने सरकारी दफ़्तरों में अफ़सरों की कुर्सी के पीछे श्वेत तौलिये लिपटे पाए होंगे। कई लोग तो ऐसी ग़लतफ़हमी पाल लेते हैं कि साहब के आचरण एवं क्रियाकलाप भी वैसे ही स्वच्छ होते होंगे। ऐसे आमलोग मोहभंग होनेपर दु:ख को प्राप्त होते हैं।


जब मैं भी अधिकारी बना तो मेरा चपरासी ऐसा ही लंबा-चौड़ा तौलिया लेकर सामने खड़ा हो गया और बोला, “सर, उठिये।” मैंने कहा कि मैं तो घर से नहाकर आया हूँ, फिर क्यों नहाऊँ? चपरासी ने मुँह पर हथेली रखी और हँसी रोककर बोला कि सर ये तौलिया नहाने के लिये नहीं, कुर्सी पर लगाने के लिये है। बिल्कुल स्नानागार के लिये उपयुक्त साईज़ का तौलिया था, इसलिये मेरी आपत्ति बिल्कुल वाजिब थी। मैंने कहा कि ये सब चोंचले मुझे पसंद नहीं, मुझे तो हाथ-मुँह पोंछने के लिये कोई छोटा तौलिया ले आओ। अच्छी ख़ासी रेक्सीन मढ़ी कुर्सी पर तौलिया क्यों लगाना? चपरासी भौंचक्का रह गया। बाद में मैंने सुना कि वह अपने सहकर्मियों को कह रहा था कि  लगता है कि साहब नक़ल करके पास हुआ है, ज़रा भी साहबियत के गुण नहीं हैं इसके अंदर।


थोड़ी देर में मेरा निजी सचिव आया। मेरी तौलियाविहीन कुर्सी को देखकर मुझसे बोलने लगा कि लगता है कि नये साहब अबतक नहीं आये, जबकि मैं कुर्सी पर ही बैठा हुआ था। उसने मुझसे कहा, “अच्छा हुआ तुम आ गये, कुर्सी को ठीक-ठाक जाँच लो, साहब आते ही होंगे।” तभी चपरासी चाय लेकर हाज़िर हुआ, “सर, चाय।” निजी सचिव जैसे नींद से जागा, “सर, क्या आप ही सर हैं?” मैंने सिर हिलाया, तो बोला, “पर, सर आपकी कुर्सी पर तो तौलिया है ही नहीं! आप सर कैसे हो सकते हैं?” तभी चपरासी उसके कान में कुछ बुदबुदाया जिसमें से इनएक्स्पीरियंस और अहमक जैसे कुछ शब्द उड़कर मेरे कानों में भी पड़े। मैंने इग्नोर करने में ही भलाई समझी। 


फिर मैंने सोचा कि अपनी इस तौलिया मुक्ति क्रांति की सफ़ाई देना ज़रूरी है। दफ़्तर के सभी कर्मचारियों को बुला कर मैंने कहा कि देखो मैं तौलिये में बँधकर रहने वाला अधिकारी नहीं हूँ। मैं स्वच्छंदता से काम करने वाला आदमी हूँ चाहे मुझे तौलिये के बाहर भी हाथ-पाँव क्यों न फैलाना पड़े। जिसने मुझे तौलिये के साईज़ में बाँधने की कोशिश की, उसकी खैर नहीं। सारे कर्मचारी इधर-उधर झाँकने लगे। उन्होंने कभी भी बिना तौलिये का साहब जो नहीं देखा था।


बाद में बड़ेबाबू ने बताया कि कालूराम चपरासी ने तौलियों का ग़बन शुरु कर दिया है। हर साल जो तौलिये मेरे नाम से निर्गत होते हैं, कम्बख़्त अपने घर ले जाता है। सुना है कि अपने बरामदे पर रोज़ कुर्सी लगा लेता है, उसपर तौलिया लपेटकर बैठ जाता है और आने-जाने वालों पर रौब गाँठता है। आम जनता का क्या? जहाँ कुर्सी पर लिपटा तौलिया दिखा वहीं सलाम बजाने लगते हैं। आज़ादी के आठ दशकों में तौलिये का महात्म्य बढ़ा ही है, कम नहीं हुआ।


थोड़ा सीनियर होने पर रेक्सीन की जगह फॉ-लेदर ने ले ली। फॉ यानी नक़ली, पर अंग्रेज़ी में बोलने पर बिल्कुल असली का एहसास होता है। थोड़ा और सीनियर होने पर असली लेदर मंडित कुर्सी मिली, ब्रीदिंग अपहोल्स्ट्री। अब कहीं ऐसी कुर्सी पर भी कोई तौलिया लपेटता है भला? 


अब, रिटायरमेंट के बाद मैं और मेरी कुर्सी अक्सर ये बातें करते हैं, अगर हमारे बीच तौलिया होता तो क्या होता …

                                                —-०००—-


Sunday, 26 April 2026

Put Up Saheb

The Government Lives Here

A government Sahib is powerless if the clerk doesn’t put up the file to him. Even the boldest and most well-meaning officer is hamstrung if a file is not brought to his table. The custodian of the file is the section officer or sometimes a clerk. He can thwart the best of intentions and initiatives by simply not putting up the file. The sahib is reduced to requesting, “file toh put up kijiye.” The bada sahib, when frustrated, asks the chhota sahib to “get the file put up”. Now, the chhota sahib has no magic wand, except that he can be a bit more obsequious before the section officer, “Arre bade babu, bade sahib has been asking for the file. Why don’t you put up?” The section officer is now much in demand, smirks between his lips and says nonchalantly, “Dekhta hoon”.

Well, what does put up mean? It means that the clerk, through his section officer, punches the letter from the Head Quarters and ties it with a string on the letter-side of the file, which is already holding about three hundred pages on the subject. Then he writes, with full authority vested in him by the Constitution and passed on from the President downwards, through the Minister, the Secretary, the Joint Secretary and then the bada sahib of this story only to flow further down through the Under Secretary, the Section Officer and is now resting in his pen, which is mightier than, as you know, the sword.

Just why the bada sahib, through whom the power passes downwards to the clerk, can’t grab the power and the file at his level and put up the file unto himself is a mystery that the government hasn’t been able to solve.

                                            —-ooo—-

Monday, 23 February 2026

गालगोटिया - विज्ञान या विज्ञापन?

 

हे गालगोटिया के आचार्यों!


अगली टेक्नॉलॉजी की प्रदर्शिनी जब होवे, तब आपको सलाह है कि सड़क पर से एक आवारा कुत्ता पकड़ लाना। आवारा कुत्तों की दिल्ली की सड़कों, सोसाइटियों और पार्कों में कोई कमी नहीं - पशुप्रेमी आंटियों, कुत्ता-कटित-पीड़ित नागरिकों, और सर्वोच्च न्यायालय की त्रिकोणीय मुकदमेबाजी ने इतना तो तय कर दिया है कि भारत में आवारा कुत्ते फलते-फूलते रहेंगे। आप तो बस एक टॉमी पकड़ लाना, और उसे नहला-धुलाकर एक हरा-पीला-लाल जैकेट पहना देना। आपके स्टॉल पर बैठा रहेगा और आने-जाने वालों से बिल्कुल लोहे वाले चीनी कुत्ते की तरह बिस्किट-ब्रेड पाकर सलाम करेगा। नाम रखना बायो-मिमिक डॉगॉयड, बिल्कुल ह्यूमैनॉयड का पालतू पशु। साथ में एक प्रोफेसर को भी खड़ा कर देना - ह्यूमैनॉयड ऐंड हिज बेस्ट फ्रेंड - डॉगॉयड। ना चार्जिंग का झंझट, ना ही सॉफ्टवेयर अपडेट का। ज़रूरत पड़ने पूरा कुत्ता ही अपडेट कर लेना, कोई मोती या लकी पकड़ लाना।

 

तीन-चार दिन बेचारा टॉमी बिस्कुट-ब्रेड-बर्गर खाकर एयरकंडीशन में कालीन पर लोट-पोट हो लेगा और जब आप उसे भगा देंगे तो अपने यार-दोस्तों को सालभर अपने ऐश की कहानियॉं सुनायेगा। उसके बाद तो आपकी यूनिवर्सिटी के फाटक पर कुत्तों की लाईन लग जायेगी - गुरुजी, अबकी बार मैं जाऊँगा, मैं जैकी, उस नौसिखिये टॉमी से बेहतर रोबॉटनुमा करतब कर सकता हूँ। फिर आप कुत्तों का एक एंट्रेंस एग्ज़ाम शुरु कर देना। देशभर के लाखों-करोड़ों कुत्तों के लिये रेलविभाग एग्ज़ाम-स्पेशल ट्रेनें चलायेगा। रास्ते भर हर स्टेशन पर बिस्कुट पानी की व्यवस्था होगी। फेरीवाले घूम-घूम कर कुत्तों के पट्टे और जैकेट बेचेंगे। देश की अर्थव्यवस्था में चार चाँद लगेंगे, जीडीपी की दर आसमान छुएगी।

 

नेहा मैडम और उनकी सखियों को कुत्तों के इंटरव्यू में लगा देना, फिर देखना कैसे सिक्स के नाईन और नाईन के सिक्स होते हैं।पर आपके तो पौ-बारह ही होंगे। एग्ज़ाम की फ़ीस से ही करोड़ों की कमाई होगी। फिर क्या चीन, और क्या चीन का कुत्ता। आप तो कुत्ताबॉट वाली कंपनी ही ख़रीद डालना।

 

और वो थर्मोकोल का प्लास्टिक की पन्नी में लिपटा हवाई जहाज़ जो आपने शान से प्रदर्शित किया था, अरे वही वाला जो महीना भर पहले आपने पड़ोस के हाई स्कूल के दसवीं के छात्रों से ठेके पर बनवाया था, विज्ञान कम और विज्ञापन ज्यादा था। मेरी तो सलाह यही है कि वो तीन सौ पचास करोड़ वाला एआई सेंटर जो आपने बनाया है, उसे सेल्स और मार्केटिंग ऑफ़िस में तब्दील कर दें। यही शैक्षिक ईमानदारी ठीक रहेगी। बाक़ी रही एआई प्रदर्शनियों में भाग लेने की बात - तो चीन और कोरिया से अमेज़न पर ख़रीद कर दिखा देना बिल्कुल जैसे इस बार किया था। या यदि मेक इन इंडिया से दिल लगा हो तो पहाड़गंज से पकड़ा टॉमी तो है ही। 

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