Sunday, 26 April 2026

Put Up Saheb

The Government Lives Here

A government Sahib is powerless if the clerk doesn’t put up the file to him. Even the boldest and most well-meaning officer is hamstrung if a file is not brought to his table. The custodian of the file is the section officer or sometimes a clerk. He can thwart the best of intentions and initiatives by simply not putting up the file. The sahib is reduced to requesting, “file toh put up kijiye.” The bada sahib, when frustrated, asks the chhota sahib to “get the file put up”. Now, the chhota sahib has no magic wand, except that he can be a bit more obsequious before the section officer, “Arre bade babu, bade sahib has been asking for the file. Why don’t you put up?” The section officer is now much in demand, smirks between his lips and says nonchalantly, “Dekhta hoon”.

Well, what does put up mean? It means that the clerk, through his section officer, punches the letter from the Head Quarters and ties it with a string on the letter-side of the file, which is already holding about three hundred pages on the subject. Then he writes, with full authority vested in him by the Constitution and passed on from the President downwards, through the Minister, the Secretary, the Joint Secretary and then the bada sahib of this story only to flow further down through the Under Secretary, the Section Officer and is now resting in his pen, which is mightier than, as you know, the sword.

Just why the bada sahib, through whom the power passes downwards to the clerk, can’t grab the power and the file at his level and put up the file unto himself is a mystery that the government hasn’t been able to solve.

                                            —-ooo—-

Monday, 23 February 2026

गालगोटिया - विज्ञान या विज्ञापन?

 

हे गालगोटिया के आचार्यों!


अगली टेक्नॉलॉजी की प्रदर्शिनी जब होवे, तब आपको सलाह है कि सड़क पर से एक आवारा कुत्ता पकड़ लाना। आवारा कुत्तों की दिल्ली की सड़कों, सोसाइटियों और पार्कों में कोई कमी नहीं - पशुप्रेमी आंटियों, कुत्ता-कटित-पीड़ित नागरिकों, और सर्वोच्च न्यायालय की त्रिकोणीय मुकदमेबाजी ने इतना तो तय कर दिया है कि भारत में आवारा कुत्ते फलते-फूलते रहेंगे। आप तो बस एक टॉमी पकड़ लाना, और उसे नहला-धुलाकर एक हरा-पीला-लाल जैकेट पहना देना। आपके स्टॉल पर बैठा रहेगा और आने-जाने वालों से बिल्कुल लोहे वाले चीनी कुत्ते की तरह बिस्किट-ब्रेड पाकर सलाम करेगा। नाम रखना बायो-मिमिक डॉगॉयड, बिल्कुल ह्यूमैनॉयड का पालतू पशु। साथ में एक प्रोफेसर को भी खड़ा कर देना - ह्यूमैनॉयड ऐंड हिज बेस्ट फ्रेंड - डॉगॉयड। ना चार्जिंग का झंझट, ना ही सॉफ्टवेयर अपडेट का। ज़रूरत पड़ने पूरा कुत्ता ही अपडेट कर लेना, कोई मोती या लकी पकड़ लाना।

 

तीन-चार दिन बेचारा टॉमी बिस्कुट-ब्रेड-बर्गर खाकर एयरकंडीशन में कालीन पर लोट-पोट हो लेगा और जब आप उसे भगा देंगे तो अपने यार-दोस्तों को सालभर अपने ऐश की कहानियॉं सुनायेगा। उसके बाद तो आपकी यूनिवर्सिटी के फाटक पर कुत्तों की लाईन लग जायेगी - गुरुजी, अबकी बार मैं जाऊँगा, मैं जैकी, उस नौसिखिये टॉमी से बेहतर रोबॉटनुमा करतब कर सकता हूँ। फिर आप कुत्तों का एक एंट्रेंस एग्ज़ाम शुरु कर देना। देशभर के लाखों-करोड़ों कुत्तों के लिये रेलविभाग एग्ज़ाम-स्पेशल ट्रेनें चलायेगा। रास्ते भर हर स्टेशन पर बिस्कुट पानी की व्यवस्था होगी। फेरीवाले घूम-घूम कर कुत्तों के पट्टे और जैकेट बेचेंगे। देश की अर्थव्यवस्था में चार चाँद लगेंगे, जीडीपी की दर आसमान छुएगी।

 

नेहा मैडम और उनकी सखियों को कुत्तों के इंटरव्यू में लगा देना, फिर देखना कैसे सिक्स के नाईन और नाईन के सिक्स होते हैं।पर आपके तो पौ-बारह ही होंगे। एग्ज़ाम की फ़ीस से ही करोड़ों की कमाई होगी। फिर क्या चीन, और क्या चीन का कुत्ता। आप तो कुत्ताबॉट वाली कंपनी ही ख़रीद डालना।

 

और वो थर्मोकोल का प्लास्टिक की पन्नी में लिपटा हवाई जहाज़ जो आपने शान से प्रदर्शित किया था, अरे वही वाला जो महीना भर पहले आपने पड़ोस के हाई स्कूल के दसवीं के छात्रों से ठेके पर बनवाया था, विज्ञान कम और विज्ञापन ज्यादा था। मेरी तो सलाह यही है कि वो तीन सौ पचास करोड़ वाला एआई सेंटर जो आपने बनाया है, उसे सेल्स और मार्केटिंग ऑफ़िस में तब्दील कर दें। यही शैक्षिक ईमानदारी ठीक रहेगी। बाक़ी रही एआई प्रदर्शनियों में भाग लेने की बात - तो चीन और कोरिया से अमेज़न पर ख़रीद कर दिखा देना बिल्कुल जैसे इस बार किया था। या यदि मेक इन इंडिया से दिल लगा हो तो पहाड़गंज से पकड़ा टॉमी तो है ही। 

                                             —-ooo—-

Tuesday, 17 February 2026

Netarhat School - The Great Equaliser



The Netarhat School was a sterling example of the most egalitarian institution that has ever existed in the country. The selection was purely merit-based, no rich and poor divide, nothing populist like Below Poverty Line, or the Socially Deprived - sheer merit. Of course, there was this reservation for SC/ST, 8 out of 60 seats, which was mandated by the Constitution. But, once selected, nobody knew the other friend’s caste or economic status. Even today I don’t know the caste of most of my batchmates except of those, who have surnames that suggest their castes. My parents decided that l would remain without a surname. My singe-word name gave me a lot of problem later in life, while filing up forms, buying air-tickets, or applying for visas. But I kept it that way - a single word name.


Some students were from very poor families, who were in the “ka varg ( वर्ग)”. They had their tuition and living expenses waived and even received a modest pocket allowance, which was passed on through the Ashramadhyaksha, so that they could buy toiletries and tidbits like everyone else. So we didn’t know which one of our friends was in which economic category unless someone probed, and there was no reason to probe at all. Books and stationery, even the ink for the fountain pen was free for all. Identical uniforms were distributed by the school to all students. Those in more affluent categories had a bill sent discretely to the parents.

 

There were only three luxuries allowed, if one can call them luxuries on a forlorn, forest covered, plateau. A bicycle, which none brought, simply because of the logistics of getting one from the plains to the plateau. An alarm clock, which my parents bought for me, many semesters later, one of for a princely sum of sixty rupees.  It, however, remained a mere showpiece since the life in the campus, from morning PT to the bedtime bell was a clockwork anyway. My alarm clock would often stop due to not being wound regularly. A wrist watch wasn’t permitted.

 

The third item was a camera, which was a surprise since it was a real luxury those days. The rule makers of the school probably thought that young minds should learn to appreciate and capture the beauty of the nature around them. But, since no good cameras were available anyway, my mother bought me an Agfa Click III for all of fifty six rupees. Not a rich possession, just a humble box - no focussing ring, no aperture setting, no shutter speed adjustments - just point and shoot and pray for the best. 

 

Every semester I would be given a single 120-size film roll by my mother that could take only twelve shots. The youth of today, who can click a hundred photos in an hour, won’t understand what it was like to wait for the exact moment to press that shutter and how to sadly let many such moments pass. After-all the film roll of 12 shots had to last all of five to six months. The film would be developed and photos printed only when one went home for the vacations. Until then one didn’t know what was captured and who was in the frame.

 

That the Netarhat School has turned out the brightest of minds, who became civil servants, bankers, doctors, philanthropists, and engineers of the highest calibre is well known. What is not known is how a bunch of young minds, protected from the toxins of casteism, flaunting of wealth, free from complexes, social, academic, and economic, could all grow into capable and sensitive citizens, albeit a bit naive as well. But, why only sixty students a year, and why only one such school? Well, good things come in small doses.

                                                         —-ooo—-