मैंने Kea, आपने किया क्या? (Or, the Idea Called Ikea)

The Ikea Store in Hyderabad is an essential pilgrimage destination for a visitor. I was expecting massive milling crowds, parking hassles, serpentine queues and drooling shoppers from the opening day news that I had read. But, nothing like that was to be seen, though the arrogance of being Ikea was visible aplenty in the shop. The modern day “spire” with IKEA painted on it made you feel oh-so-welcome until you reach the portals.

Your car goes to the drop off point as signages lead you to. The glass doors are locked. You are curtly told to get off and walk a flight of stairs down to enter through what looks like the back door. The back-door entrance, however, is a labyrinthine walkway partitioned by posts and ribbons like the security-line of a busy airport. There is even a hall-full of shopping trolleys in numbers that can shame the Walmart, the JFK and all the Dubai Malls put together. You are made to walk half a mile of empty maze even though there is no queue in sight. The entrance was designed by the Ikea guys, or their marketing consultants, hoping that they would have a Kumbh Mela like throng everyday. Alas, after the first day, it seems, it was more like a blood donation queue. But, the exercise does burn up an ounce of blood and builds an excitement like that of a ten-year old waiting for a ride in the Disney Park.

The haughtiness of the opening days can’t be corrected since it is all cast in concrete and a confusing snake-ladder like arrangement of escalators, probably bought in a discount sale in China. There are staircases and staircases, escalators and elevators, inside and outside and numerous docks for delivery trucks designed to sell furniture meant to terraform a planet - all empty.

It was a weekday, I must confess. But, there is nothing in the store that I would call Swedish. All the stuff was made in China, nothing that is not available in a Home Centre or any other furniture or hardware shop in the city. Of course, if the Ikea, oops the idea was to build a walk-through catalogue of all that is Chinese, it is a good job done, indeed. There is also enough concrete to build an airport and steel to build a cosmodrome. But, it sells cheap plastic and tinpots and not too well at that.

The display of arrogance is complete if you see the philosophy behind it all. Ikea surely thought that all Indians desperately needed to replace their table lamps with European sockets and plugs. Their consultants must have also advised them that all Indians have empty garages that needed to be stuffed with DIY tools and hardware. Of course, their plastic jars would seem imported from Venus to all housewives, who haven’t seen an airtight container in their kitchens ever. Item tags have names written in some alien tongue. The whole marketing plan looks driven by the dated Sylvania Laxman tagline - पूरे घर के बदल डालूँगा। Sales at any scale lower than this would have Ikea licking its wounds in a few years. There is only so far that plastic, particle boards and gaudy timepieces can take you. Empty checkout counters stand testimony to that. 

The humongous shop is built like an airport hangar with bare concrete roofs, hanging steel struts and exposed air-conditioning ducts and open steel-shelved warehouse, all designed to look “functional” and to cleverly give an impression that the shop is a no-frills establishment so that you get low-priced and economical stuff. But, the price tags suggest otherwise.

The restaurant is a favourite corner, where the guard rudely points you to use the other entrance as if you would be stampeded if you used the nearest one, which is totally free of traffic. But, one can eat insipid meatballs, which they insist on advertising and selling, only a few times. You buy and then carry your food in your own personal trolley and feel like an interning waiter.

The staff all over was probably recruited by the UPSC. At least their attitude suggested that. The restaurant staff was particularly ill-behaved and dismissive suggesting that they were not a rank lower than Joint Secretaries.

So friends, go and splurge. Buy Chinese at British prices and feel blessed. I have shown the path. It is for you to venture forward.