नौकरशाही का मैनुअल

नौकरशाही भी अजीब नाम है। नौकर भी और शाह भी। अंग्रेज़ी का ब्यूरोक्रेसी अधूरा सा लगता है। गवर्नमेंट सर्वेंट या पब्लिक सर्वेंट तो नितांत झाँसेबाजी लगती है। किसका सर्वेंट, काहे का सर्वेंट? अरे हम तो राजा के प्रतिनिधि हैं, कर-चूषक हैं, तगादेकार हैं। हम ही तो असली सरकार हैं।

क्या कहा आपने? राजा अब कहॉं रहे? अरे भाई! यह तो हम भी जानते हैं कि प्रजातंत्र में राजा नहीं होते। लेकिन आप यह न भूलें कि प्रजातंत्र में प्रजा तो होती है। अब प्रजा है तो राजा भी होगा ही, चाहे उसे किसी और नाम से पुकारें। आपने बचपन में अपने स्कूल में यह घुट्टी ज़रूर पी होगी कि प्रजातंत्र में सरकार का चुनाव जनता करती है। वह आपका और आपके शिक्षकों का भ्रम था। आप तो विधायक और सांसद चुनते हैं। ये विधायक और सांसद आपस में मिलकर मंत्री इत्यादि बनाते हैं और समझते हैं कि हमने सरकार बना ली। ये भी एक छलावा ही है।

सरकार मंत्री या उनकी कुर्सियाँ नहीं होती। ये सब तो भ्रम बनाए रखने के साधन मात्र हैं। सरकार फ़ाइलें में होती है, जो हमारी आल्मारियों में बंद रहती हैं। सरकार हम नौकरशाहों की क़लम में होती है जिसका ढक्कन कसकर बंद करके हम अपनी जेबों में रखते हैं। जिस दिन हमने आल्मारी से फ़ाइल निकाली, क़लम से कुछ नोटिंग बनाई, उस दिन कुछ सरकने का सा अनुभव होता है और सरकार के होने का अहसास भी होता है। फिर हमारा कोई सहकर्मी झपट कर फ़ाइल को पकड़ लेता है और कुछ नोटिंग बनाकर अपनी वाली आल्मारी में बंद कर देता है। फ़ाइल बंद, सरकार बंद।

कभी-कभी कोई मंत्री झाँसे में नहीं आता और ज़बरन फ़ाइल मँगवा लेता है। तब हम फ़ाइल के साथ वह सारे कोड और मैनुअल लगा देते हैं जिनमें काम नहीं करने के पचास तरीक़े बताये गये हैं। हाऊ टू स्टॉप वर्क ऐंड फ्राइटेन द बॉस - यह नौकरशाही का फ़लसफ़ा हमने पिछले सत्तर सालों में ख़ूब गुना है। अगर मंत्री जी फिर भी न माने तो उन्हें प्रिसिडेंट और पास्ट-केसेज़ का हवाला देकर बताया जाता है कि सर, ठीक ऐसे ही केस में अमुक मंत्री की सीबीआई इंक्वायरी हुई थी, और फलॉं वाले सर तो जेल की हवा भी खा आए थे, गद्दी गई सो अलग।

अब मैनुअल तो मैनुअल है, कोई ऑटोमेटिक तो है नहीं कि हर जगह ख़ुद-बख़ुद चिपक जाए। इसीलिये यह मैनुअल और सीबीआई-विजिलेंस की तरकीब सिर्फ़ वहीं लगाई जाती है जहाँ नौकरशाह लगाना चाहता है। जहाँ काम में अपना भला हो वहॉं ग़रीबों, पिछड़ों, सामाजिक-न्याय, आर्थिक-तरक़्क़ी, प्राथमिक-शिक्षा या राष्ट्रीय-सुरक्षा के कारण बताकर फ़ाइल बढ़ाई जाती है। इन मुद्दों का कोई कोड या मैनुअल नहीं होता। ये तो हमारी क़लम की गंगोत्री से निकलने वाली गंगा की धाराएँ है। इनको पॉलिसी का नाम दिया गया है। फ़ाइल पर लिख दिया जाता है कि यदि इस वाले प्रस्ताव का तुरंत अनुमोदन नहीं किया गया तो फ़लाँ गाँव में भूख से, चारे के अभाव में, तीन हज़ार बकरियॉं दम तोड़ देंगी या कल प्रात:काल के पहले ही चीन तवांग पर क़ब्ज़ा कर लेगा। फिर क्या मंत्री और क्या मंत्री के चचा? दस्तखत के सिवा उनके पास चारा ही क्या बचता है? कभी-कभी तो सिर्फ़ चारा ही बचता है।

अरे साहब मंत्री तो आते-जाते रहते हैं, पाँच-साला जो ठहरे। हम तो तीस-पैंतीस वर्षों के ठेके पर पदासीन हैं। राजा तो अकबर और औरंगज़ेब थे - दशकों गद्दी से लगे रहे। जिसने चूँ-चपड़ की उसका सर काट डाला। यदि शाहजहाँ को पाँच साल का टर्म मिला होता तब क्या वह ताजमहल बनवा पाता? इतने कम समय में तो एस्टीमेट और टेंडर ही नहीं फ़ाइनल हुए होते। और मुमताज़ बेगम ने परलोक सिधारने में जो पंद्रह साल लगा दिये वह अलग से। अर्थात् कोई काम करने के लिये सिस्टम पर पकड़ होनी चाहिये, और वह आती है अनुभव से, स्थायित्व से, समय से। राजनेता, मंत्री आदि लाल बत्ती की गाड़ी में घूमें और ख़ुश रहें, दो-चार बीघा ज़मीन का घोटाला कर लें, अपनी भैंस के खोने पर पूरा पुलिस का महकमा लगा कर नाम कमाएँ। फ़ाइल तो बंधु तभी सरकेगी जब हम कहेंगे।

इसीलिये हमने यह नाम दिया नौकरशाह ताकि आप किसी ग़लतफ़हमी में न रहें। नौकर आप, शाह हम।

                                                       ---०००---

                    

आलू की फ़ैक्टरी

चीन में चावल फ़ैक्टरी में बनता है। वहॉं का प्लास्टिक का चावल, दुनिया भर में चल रहा है। लोगों को फैक्टरी में बने चावल से कोई पोषण नहीं मिलता, उल्टे स्वास्थ्य की हानि होती है। फिर मैं पूछता हूँ कि अच्छा-भला आलू फ़ैक्टरी में क्यों नहीं बन सकता? क्या सारा अनुसंधान, सारी रचनात्मकता चीन में ही संभव है?

जब क्रिकेट की गेंद फ़ैक्टरी में बन सकती है, फ़ुटबॉल और ग़ुब्बारे फ़ैक्टरी में बन सकते हैं तो मिलती-जुलती शक्ल और आकार के आलू क्यों नहीं बन सकते? एक ओर सारा सरकारी तंत्र मेक-इन-इंडिया के नारे लगा रहा है, कारख़ानों में विदेशी पूँजी का आवाहन कर रहा है, और आप हैं कि एक भले आदमी पर तंज कसे जा रहे हैं। भाई साहब, कारख़ानों में कुशल मज़दूर लगते हैं, ऊँची पगार माँगते हैं और सबसे पहले उनका स्किल-डेवलपमेंट करना पड़ता है। इन सबमें समय लगता है, पूँजी लगती है। आलू का निर्माण राष्ट्र-निर्माण का आसान और सस्ता उपाय है। बस आलू की फ़ैक्टरी लगाइये और ग़रीब दुखियारे किसानों को झोंक डालिये। फिर देखिये, जो किसान कल तक तुरई और ककड़ी की फ़ैक्टरी में अपने जलवे दिखाता था, तुरत-फुरत आलू का निर्माण करने लगेगा। हर्र लगे ना फिटकरी रंग चोखा आए।

मैं तो कहता हूँ कि हर नागरिक अपने आँगन में एक आलू की फ़ैक्टरी डलवा ले। दिन में दफ़्तर में कलम घिसे और सेकेंड शिफ़्ट में घर में ही आलू की असेंम्बली लाइन पर काम करे। एक तरफ़ सेलूलोज़, यूरिया, पोटाश और पुराने कपड़े, रद्दी काग़ज़ डालिये और दूसरी तरफ़ से गोल-गोल सुंदर, सुगठित आलू प्राप्त कीजिये। इधर श्रीमती जी ने कहा कि आलू ले आओ, और आप बोल पड़े, "अभी लो, भागवान। ज़रा आलू का साइज़ बता दो - सब्जी़ बनानी है या चिप्स तलने हैं? भर्ता बनाना है तब तो कोई भी साइज़ चलेगा। कल का रिजेक्टेड माल पड़ा है, कहो तो ले आऊँ?"

भारतीयों की जुगाड़-बुद्धि पर भरोसा रखें, श्रीमान! जल्दी ही, लौकी, करेले और पालक बनाने की मशीन भी बना डालेंगे। बल्कि मैं तो शर्त लगाने को तैयार हूँ कि टू-इन-वन और थ्री-इन-वन मशीनें भी अब दूर नहीं। एक ही फ़ैक्टरी सुबह आलू बनाएगी और दूसरी पाली में टमाटर। और आप हैं कि हँसे जा रहे हैं। हम न सिर्फ़ आलू की फ़ैक्टरी लगाएँगे, बल्कि आलू बनाने की मशीनों का निर्यात भी करेंगे। फिर देखियेगा, विश्व में भारत-जनित ब्राउन-रिवॉल्यूशन का कमाल! 

http://althealthworks.com/7761/plastic-rice-from-china-is-real-and-it-can-cause-serious-health-problemsyelena/

My Journey to the Rest Room

When I was very young, toilets were called toilets, whether at airports, railway stations or in homes. Then they came to be know as Lavatories, Wash Rooms and now Rest Rooms. That matter currently rests at Rest Rooms. In most homes they are still called toilets, however. I guess, they were looking for better sounding names to label public toilets, hence the migration. The place presumably stinks less when called by a less offensive name. Also, "I am going to the rest room" probably sounds more civil and agreeable than "Let me go to the toilet". Ugh, how can one go to a toilet, when just a few minutes of "rest" should take care of all that effusive urge?

Having studied in a Hindi medium boarding school, I was used to the term shauchalaya (शौचालय in Hindi) even for the hostel toilets, a term that remains unchanged to this day. Hindi speaking Indian homes have called them pakhana (पखाना in Hindi) without wincing or pinching the nose. There was a separate bathroom (गुसलखाना or स्नानघर in Hindi) With  the advent of the combined bath and toilet the term changed to a less offensive "bathroom (बाथरूम in Hindi too)". So, even when one was going to the loo in an Indian home, one would say, "l am going to the bathroom". Taking a bath or a shower was not implied every time one announced the destination. 

Well, the designation of the toilet underwent this massive change when I was not even watching. And, I learnt about this march of civilisation in a rather educative way. Having been dumped by an International flight at the Newark airport late one night we were looking for a place to stretch our legs. The connecting domestic flight was scheduled the next morning. One of us spotted a rest room sign in the terminal building. We were delighted at the prospect of a dormitory or a room with lounge sofas where we could spend the night. So, I despatched a member of the team to go look for it.

He went up and down the "Rest Rooms" sign a few times and came back. "Sir, there doesn't seem to be a rest room over there", he said.

I reprimanded him, "Can't you see the board there? It clearly says Rest Rooms. Let me go and check for myself".

Well, I too walked up and down the sign and found no trace of a rest room. Not even a narrow passage in the wall that could lead to a rest room deeper into the building. Every time I walked up, I would see a door to the toilets. Then coming back to the sign, I would see the same door again. Confused, but determined to solve the mystery, we went into a huddle just the way the West Indies cricket team had taught us. We came to the conclusion, "THE TOILET IS THE REST ROOM". Thus I made the discovery of the Rest Room on the American land. Wouldn't Columbus be proud of me?

Now, of course, Indian public places of some sophistication, such as Malls or Airports have rechristened their toilets Rest Rooms. The eponymous facility in the Indian Railways is used by loco pilots (engine drivers) for rest between duties, kind of a small running room. And, they actually do there what the name suggests - lie down in a bed, catch forty winks and wake up fresh to run the next train. And, of course, in the rest rooms they also have a rest room, oops .. .. a toilet. 

For the hoi polloi caught in the maze of modern civilisation a rest room promises nothing more than a place to rest one's bladder and bowels. Maybe in the fast lane of life today that is rest enough.

                                                  ---ooo---

De-innovating to innovate. (Or, when is a no feature a new feature?)

It is a religion for the technogeeks, tech editors and reviewers to fawn at whatever Apple throws at them. Now here is another Apple phone, the iPhone7, which ditches the headphone jack and it is being touted as a new feature!

In the highly competitive smartphone business, where not only innovation has reached a dead end, even sales are stagnating, de-innovating is the next innovation.

Just the other day they created mobile phones, which played music through either wired or wireless headphones. Now, you have a "new and improved" phone, which does what all phones were already doing, play music through A2DP Bluetooth headphones, but takes the wired feature out. Except that it doesn't! You can still connect your old wired earphones into the power port of the iPhone7.

But, aren't we all supposed to thank Apple's relentless innovation, which continually blesses the humankind with manna raining down from the ninth cloud, where Steve Jobs now lives, presumably. My guess is that the iPhone will remove the screen itself from the iPhone8 and then the phone itself from the iPhone9. After all, we have time to live through the supernova of our sun and well into the days when the earth encircles a white dwarf.

Meanwhile, go ahead and buy those $159 EarPods, a small price to swim in the holy waters of Applelake and to keep up with the Jonses. 

And, don't forget to charge three pieces of innovation every evening - the two EarPods and the phone itself. Aren't you feeling blessed already?

http://www.computerworld.com/article/3117622/smartphones/why-apple-dropped-the-headphone-jack-in-the-iphone-7.html

Shobha De, You loser!

Shobha De,

You mocked the Indian athletes in the Rio Olympics thus:

"Why do with bother with the Olympics? Goal of team India at the Olympics: Rio Jao. Selfies lo. Khaali haat wapas aao. What a waste of money and opportunity."

Well, you have been lambasted enough for this singularly crass and insensitive comment. You have dismissed it all as trolling. Let me not go into that domain once again. I just want to compare you with Indian contingent that has gone has gone to the Rio Olympics. Remember that Olympics are not the only world sports contests. There are many more, which are sports specific and equally, if not more, demanding. Some of our Olympians have won medals in such events. Agreed, nothing fires up the imagination and charm like the Olympics. Well, let's see what our boys and girls have done there.

Deepa Karmakar lost the bronze by a whisker and came fourth in the world, yes fourth in the Whole World. She is also the first Indian to have ever qualified for the Olympics in gymnastics. She recently won gold in another world event and has won our hearts.

Sania Mirza and Rohan Bopanna also came forth in the world by narrowly missing the bronze play off in a tough fight 6-1, 7-5. They have won medals earlier. 

The hockey team broke a 36 year jinx and reached the Olympic knock out stage and reached the quarter finals for the first time after 1980.

Badminton players Kidambi Srikanth and PV Sindhu reached pre-quarter finds of badminton coming in the top sixteen in the world.

Abhinav Bindra came a close fourth in shooting and was all grace on his loss in the medal race. That he has earlier won a Gold and has taught Indians to dream is a far bigger story.

And so on .. ..

 

Now, let's see what you have achieved, Shobha De! In spite of passing off porn and sleaze as literature, or possibly because of it, you have no appeal beyond Page 3, the incestuous "civil society" and it's cocktail parties. Where do your so called bestsellers stand in world rankings? Well, let me examine your pulp on an even smaller yardstick, just the Amazon/Kindle rankings. Some of your popular books are ranked as follows on Amazon India:

SURVIVING MEN: 90,148

SPEEDPOST: 67,400

SOCIALITE EVENINGS: 62,959

They hardly qualify to be bestsellers, eh!

So, next time you shoot your mouth off in the Twitterland, be sure that your feet are clean. You will prevent a foul breath.

I really want to help you, but ...

O Dear, I understand your problem and I really wish I could do something for you. After all, I am here to serve the people of India. Am I not a public servant, appointed just for this? 

Your problem seems genuine and your grievance authentic. I can't tell you how pained I am at the insensitivity of the system of which I am a part. This problem should not have arisen in the first place if my colleagues in that department and the rules of this other department had been a bit more accommodative. I must now solve your problem. Let me see .. .. Let me see .. ..

Hmm .. Umm .. Uh .. Oh ..

Ah .. There you are. Here is your file. Let me see .. Let me see .. Oh my God! Look at this clerk of my office and see what he has written. There is no rule to do this! How can the rascal write that? I truly want to help you out here and this lowly clerk write here that it can't be done!

Sorry, my Friend! The rules don't permit. Or else I could have done it in no time at all. I know what your are thinking. You are shocked that this great bureaucrat of the government of India, this guy selected out of lakhs and lakhs of bright candidates by the UPSC through the toughest selection process on the planet can't help you!

You see, my Friend, I may have been the brightest, the most educated and the smartest of all. But, my mind is pawned to that clerk sitting in that corner at the end of this dingy corridor. Yes, he is only high school pass, but he does all the thinking for me. He interprets the rules, links precedents, brings out perils of decision making and predicts the outcomes of my decisions on my behalf! He verily tells me what I should do sitting in my chair. In most cases he even drafts my orders and tells me where to sign. If he tells me to just sit there and twiddle my thumbs, I would do that too for I have outsourced my thinking to a high school pass clerk.

He thinks for me. The junior clerk runs this office. Why don't you sit with him and explain your case to him? Maybe I can help you then, provided he writes a favourable noting. But, that is between you and him now .. .. I really wish I could do something for you. After all, ain't I here to help you?

वंशीधर के वंशज (The Salt Inspector lives .. ..)

Munshi Premchand wrote how regulation and taxation of the commonplace salt led to black market, illegal trade and corrupt officialdom. The opening paragraph of the famous story, नमक का दारोग़ा, read as follows:

जब नमक का नया विभाग बना और ईश्वरप्रदत्त वस्तु के व्यवहार करने का निषेध हो गया तो लोग चोरी-छिपे इसका व्यापार करने लगे। अनेक प्रकार के छल-प्रपंचों का सूत्रपात हुआ, कोई घूस से काम निकालता था, कोई चालाकी से। अधिकारियों के पौ-बारह थे। पटवारीगिरी का सर्वसम्मानित पद छोड-छोडकर लोग इस विभाग की बरकंदाजी करते थे। इसके दारोगा पद के लिए तो वकीलों का भी जी ललचाता था।

The salt satyagraha of was a turning point in the freedom struggle. The Mahatma, through his Dandi March in 1930, turned that folly of the British to his great advantage and mobilised a whole nation against foreign occupation. Non-violence protest and civil disobedience were defined for an oppressed nation and a timid mass of humanity, which found a powerful weapon to fight the mighty brutal Empire.

Do you know that this nation of timid masses still bears the cross of the Salt Inspector. The British are gone and salt tax was a not insignificant force in their ouster. Yet, cess on salt remains and its regulation is an important opportunity of discretionary use of power. A population, which threw out the largest power on earth for regulating salt still perpetuates the same tax and regulation!

Did you know that there is an All India Service called the "Indian Salt Service"? It is a Group B service, with officers posted all over, which rules the sea coasts of the nation.

The Website of the Salt Commissionerate defines some of its its function as follows:

1. Leasing of Central Government land for salt manufacture.

(How much land is owned by the Central Government, which it leases?)

2. Planning of production targets.

(Why should the government set production targets for salt? Are resources, like the sea-water, in short supply?

3. Arranging equitable distribution and monitoring the quality and price.

(Why can't the market forces do that? The government doesn't do that even for food grains.)

4. Promotion of technological development and training of personnel.

(Technology? Why does it require the government's intervention?)

5. Maintenance of standards and improvement in quality of salt.

(Really?)

6. Collection of Salt Cess, Assignment Fee, Ground Rent and other dues.

The website goes on to say:

"As per document available the salt department has been in existence prior to 1802 AD. Salt manufacturing activities were brought under licencing system by an Act containing stringent panel action .. .. The collection of salt revenue was originally vested in the Collectors of Districts; subsequently a separate Department under a Salt Commissioner on the recommendation of a commission appointed by the Government of India in 1876 was created."

Well, the Salt Commissioner, created in 1876, exists even today.

In the constitution of India, Salt is Central subject and appears as item No. 58 of the Union list of the 7th Schedule, which reads : (a) Manufacture, Supply and distribution of salt by Union agencies : and (b) Regulation and control of manufacture, supply and distribution of salt  by other agencies. The Central Government is responsible for controlling all aspects of the Salt Industry through Salt Organisation.

 

The British Government finally abolished the "duty" on salt. And lo and behold, it imposed a "cess" on it on 1-4-47. This was subsequently ratified by the Government of Free India as Salt Cess Act, 1953. 

Guess, what was the purpose of this cess. It was to meet the expenses of the salt organisation, the very organisation, which should not have existed in the first place!

Through several legislations, reports of committees and commissions, in the year 1996 the Government of India decided to de license the salt industry. But, the Salt Commissioner exists along with his sub-offices and an army of salt officials recruited in the "Indian Salt Service".

Amongst other things, the Salt Commissioner certifies if the salt being transported by rail is for Industrial consumption or human. Indian Railways carry the latter at a concessional tariff. If the concessional tariff was to be removed, the salt we eat would cost us some fifty paise extra per head per month. But, we could then get rid of the entire salt Commissionerate as a result!

Munshi Vanshi Dhar, the original Salt Inspector, must be turning in his grave.

http://saltcomindia.gov.in/HistoryOfSalt.html?tp=html

MAN AND CHILD (Aged 22 and 29 respectively)

Here is a man. Capt. Pawan Kumar of the Indian Army. Martyred at the age of 22 in the service of the nation. When he turned 22, he had already put in three years of active service, earned a promotion and was leading a team of soldiers, who were ready to die for the country. Capt. Pawan Kumar led his men against entrenched terrorists and made the supreme sacrifice for the Motherland. There is not a single person in the country who is not proud of him. Capt. Pawan Kumar joined the Army not because he wanted to die for the country. He did so because he wanted to protect his country. He entered the Armed Forces not because it was easily available. He did it through a tough process of selection called the NDA examination - A highly competitive written test, a rigorous physical test and a test of his aptitude. He, of course, knew the risks and dangers of an Army Officer's life. Yet he chose it over easier career options of Engineering, Civil Services or IT.

Here is another man,  err.. a boy. Kanhaiya Kumar. All of 29. Pursuing a PhD in a subsidised education system of the country that Pawan Kumar laid down his life for. Kanhaiya Kumar earns a scholarship of nearly thirty thousand Rupees per month, gets free housing, free medical care and has all the time in the world to profess breaking up of his Motherland. A parasite that he is, he leads a team of equally parasitical "boys and girls" to apologise to a terrorist's soul, who was responsible for slaying Kanhaiya's compatriots. Kanhaiya Kumar does not study "African Studies" (his topic for PhD) because he is even remotely interested in Africa, its history, literature or its people. He is studying it because a seat was available in that department, which paid him a handsome salary-like scholarship for five years of mollycoddling campus life. He did not choose to do a PhD to contribute a great deal to the knowledge of mankind. We will also check out his PhD thesis for original thought it is supposed to contain. He opted for a PhD because he did not get a job with his earlier education. He chose it because he was actually good for nothing else. His academic scores in JNU will prove that once again.

Capt. Pawan Kumar also holds a degree from the JNU. If he had lived to be 29, like Kanhaiya, he would be a Major in the Army, living a life of fulfilment and inspiration. He could still die for the nation as a Major. In fact he would protest if ever he was not sent to the front. He would be commanding a few Captains and a much larger unit of soldiers, each one of whom would look up to him for lessons in grit and gallantry. 

Kanhaiya Kumar would have turned 36 by then and would be pursuing a second PhD in "Gender Discrimination in Angola", raising slogans against the Country and promising to destroy it. He would, however, still be called a simple misguided boy. If Kanhaiya played his cards well, which he seems to be doing, he could become a Professor in the same incestuous system of education and spawn more middle-aged boy-traitors like himself in a never ending chain process. Worse, he could become a politician himself, given his recent display of power over them, to unite against the country. In the worst, though not unimaginable case, Kanhaiya Kumar could become the forerunner of a new ideology, where biting the hand that feeds is fashion.

गाल-सटाऊ चुंबन

उमुआँ .. उमुआँ .. .. 

आपने अक्सर पार्टियों में ऐसी आवाज़ सुनी होगी। अरे ये मैं क्या कह रहा हूँ? आपने कहाँ सुनी होगी? आप तो हिंदी पढ़ रहे हैं? ये आवाज़ें हाई सोसाइटी की पार्टियों में सुनने में आती हैं । क्या कहा आपने? हाई सोसाइटी क्या होती है? हाई सोसाइटी का हिंदी में कोई अर्थ या पर्यायवाची शब्द नहीं होता। अरे भाई साहब, हिंदी में तो हाई सोसाइटी होती ही नहीं|

अरे मैंने भी कहाँ सुनी थीं ऐसी आवाज़ें, मानों कोई बिल्ली अपनी सहेली से सालों बाद मिल रही हो। वो तो एक बड़े उद्योगपति की पार्टियां आजकल टीवी पर दिखाई जा रही हैं, उसी मैं मैंने सुना। आप भी वॉल्यूम ऊँचा करके ध्यान से सुनेंगे तो आपको सुनाई देंगी। उन्ही उद्योगपति, मच्छीमार हवाईजहाज वाले या बियरवाले दढ़ियल साहब की पार्टियों की बात कर रहा हूँ, जो करोड़ों लेकर फुर्र हो गए| इन पार्टियों में गाल से गाल सटा कर एक दूसरे के कान में हौले से हवा छोड़ते हैं और कहते है, "उमुआँ .. उमुआँ"। और भी कुछ बोलते होंगे, जैसे, "यूअर प्लेस और माइन?" या, "उस कमीने को देखो, कैसा मिसेज़ शर्मा पर लाइन मार रहा है।"

सुना है कि सरकारी बैंकों और सचिवालयों के अधिकारी भी इन हाई सोसाइटी पार्टियों में शरीक होते थे। क्या वे भी उमुआँ .. उमुआँ करते थे? अब कंडक्ट रूल्स में उमुआँ .. उमुआँ करना मना तो नहीं है? सो करते होंगे, मेरी बला से। लेकिन एक उमुआँ पर नौ हज़ार करोड़ न्यौछावर कर दें, ये भी कोई बात हुई। मैं तो ऐसे गालसटाऊ नाटक के पाँच रुपये भी न दूँ। कान में हवा जाने से मेरी तो फुरफुरी छूट जाए। और बेचारा आम करदाता जो फ़िल्मी मैगज़ीन में उन सुंदरियों की तस्वीरें निहार कर ही अपने को निहाल समझता है - उमुआँ तो एक दिवास्वप्न सा ही रह जाता है। नौ हज़ार करोड़ हालाँकि उसी की कमाई के जाते हैं|

आपसे फिर मुखातिब होउँगा। तब तक के लिए उमुआँ .. उमुआँ|

एंड टेक केयर!