A B S O L U T E L Y

The most popular word in the lexicon of Indian TV newsreaders is "ABSOLUTELY". In one word the anchor endorses the statement of the other person on the screen  and also thanks the other party for agreeing with what he or she had been pontificating on for the last quarter-of-an-hour. This one word, ABSOLUTELY, is the essence of the whole intellectual capital that resides in the studios of the English TV news channel, it showcases the entire editorial might of the channel, it well nigh decimates the opposing thought in one clean swipe, just like the beheadings being telecast live by the ISIS. After all, how can anyone stand up to something that is absolute and final! The pronouncement of the puissant utterance produces an impact that is bigger and eternal like an entire paragraph, nee a whole thoughtful newspaper article.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Well, a moving picture (moving as in shaking, not as in impactful) is worth your complete morning breakfast. After the porridge, the bacon and the toasted whole-wheat bread gulped down with cranberry juice if you do not hear the word, there is no way your intestines are going to extract one bit of nutrition from all that. Absolutely!

"THE NATION WANTS TO KNOW" comes a distant second. Besides, it is a whole sentence.

So, happy watching and happy surfing to you all. It is in the news channels that real entertainment lies (pun intended).

Coffee on the Highway

My work often takes me to Coimbatore, which is the largest railway station of my Division. Coimbatore is also one of the biggest cities of Tamil Nadu and an industrial hub. One feels good looking at industries dotting the landscape. The city itself is a beautiful urban scape - extremely clean, neatly laid out roads, disciplined traffic and no shabbiness at all that characterises our cities in the North. You will not find debris lying around, broken or unpainted building facades or garbage outside eateries. It is quite obvious that the Coimbatorian is proud of his city.

Coming back to my travels to Coimbatore, I love to travel by road in this part of the country. The National Highway 47 that I take is a delight to travel on. It must be a pleasure to self-drive too, but being a bada sahib, I am deprived of that privilege. Not only is the highway as good as it gets with no surprises by sudden appearances of two wheelers, cows and unruly truck drivers, the scenery that it offers is a sight to behold as well. I am certain that Tamil Nadu must be the most urbanised state of India, for I see no villages during my journey. Well, let me correct myself - there are villages indeed, but they all look like nice small towns. No sign of the typical North India's unkempt mud houses, stray cattle, smell of cow dung and open drains. The landscape is quite unlike one sees in the North, with coconut groves and banana plantations presenting a soothing and orderly view.

The best part of my road journey, however, is the coffee by the Highway. The famous “KDFC Only Coffee” serves coffee in a set of brass davara and tumbler. The acronym stands for Kumbhakonam Degree Filter Coffee. What they serve is "Only Coffee". I was intrigued by the word “degree”. Later enquiry revealed that the first decoction made in the filter pot is called degree coffee. A degree coffee would also retain its status only if it was made with pure undiluted milk, also known as degree milk. The first decoction from the filter was reserved for the head of the household, others would have to be content with the second degree or the second drain from the powder used for the first degree. I guess they serve third degree coffee in police stations. KDFC is a kind of a minor cult here, though the coffee itself is nothing special. But, one does feel good stopping by the KDFC outlet since they do serve it in style - shining brassware and extremely clean ambience. And, one feels like the head of the household for those few minutes. If not in one’s own household, then let it be at the dhaba. The meaning of "Only" does not seem to have any relevance however since what they serve is a blend of Coffee and Chicory. The tiny eateries that serves snacks and biscuits are sparkling clean and so are the surroundings. I am told that the KDFC thing is not even a franchise. One could just open a coffee outlet and start selling "KDFC Only Coffee". The same can't be said of "KFC Only Chicken" though.

Am I falling in love with Tamil Nadu? You bet I am. There is more to Tamil Nadu than Chennai and it is waiting to be explored.

My Rules of Facebook - On Friendship Day.

Dear Friends, Friends in Waiting and Wannabe Friends,

 
In the new year after the Friendship Day just gone by, let us resolve to be good friends on-line. Here are the rules I follow and expect you to follow if you want the privilege of my Facebook friendship.
(What! Did you just say you do not want to be my friend? That is perfectly fine with me too.)

 
1. You should have your own photo in the “profile photo” box. No, the picture of your saucepan doesn’t qualify, neither does the photo of your cute little cuddly pup. I also do not get any idea of who you are by looking at the shot of your newly born daughter. Yes, she is adorable, but it doesn’t help at all. Your name alone is not a great help to my memory either. There are half a million out there with the same name. Also, I cannot make out what you looked like in college, when we last met, from your childhood photo. So your own photo please, and a recent one!

2. Please do not send me invitations to play Candy Crush or Heady Heartthrob, or whatever you spend your time playing in your office. While the levels that you have achieved in such intellectual games does speak a lot about your cerebral achievements, I am still not up to them. Therefore, please spare me the pleasures that you enjoy so effortlessly. Maybe I am dull, dimwit and downright rustic. But, I am happy the way I am.

3. Please update your profile when you change your job, city, dog, car, phone number or spouse. Your profile reads, "Worked in Company XYZ" instead of "Works in company XYZ". Have you been sacked? Are you jobless these days surviving on state dole? Your profile also suddenly states that you married the person, who we always thought was your husband/wife for a quarter of a century. Was it all illegal so far, or as they say nowadays, a live-in arrangement till yesterday? I am concerned as a true friend. So, please update your profile too.

4. Please do visit your own “wall” occasionally and update your “status”. A friend who has nothing to say for months at a stretch is no fun! So, please do write something interesting once in a while, which proves that you are still alive and kicking, for I tend to unfriend dead friends.

5. Sending links to sensational news items, Jokes or YouTube videos without your own views on them doesn’t count as “status update”. I too buy newspapers and occasionally visit the YouTube as well. After all, I too have an office to attend.

6. Posting of photos of various Gods doesn’t count either. With thirty three crores of them, you could actually post a new photo every day till kingdom come. I am an atheist, so I am not impressed by your devoutness. In any case, whether or not I “like” the God that you proposed doesn’t affect His popularity at all.

Happy Friendship Day to All!

P.S. This issues with the approval of my good friend, Marky.

Let Us Curse All That is Indian and Look Modern

The Tamil Nadu Cricket Association (TNCA) Club has denied entry to a sitting High Court Judge of the Madras High Court. He was wearing a Dhoti (or veshti), which did not conform to the dress code of the club. This has created a furore in the media here in Tamil Nadu. The same club and similar other clubs have denied entry to persons not following a certain dress code in the past too. But, denial of entry to a Judge has brought issues of culture, Constitution and Brown Sahibs to the fore. The government says it will bring a new law to make such clubs fall in line and begin honouring Indian and Tamil culture. Such a bill will undoubtedly tell these vestiges of the British Empire that they should now stop being flag bearers of some perceived sophistication which, in their view, comes only with Western attire and mannerisms. At the same time, it could be infringement on the rights of a private body by the state. The Madras High Court has correctly refused to intervene in the private matters of a private club, when a PIL was filed in this matter.

A law governing internal dress codes and mores of a club will come given the determination of the legislators, it may still be challenged as invasion of personal freedom. It will be easier for the government to ask all the government servants to terminate their memberships of such clubs and stop attending functions there. This is legally enforceable and possible to implement within a week. With government officers gone, the charm of the club, which thrives on hobnobbing of businessmen and contractors with such bureaucrats, will vanish in no time, regardless of the dress people wear in the hallowed precincts.

http://www.thehindu.com/news/national/tamil-nadu/dhoti-row-tn-mulls-law-on-dress-code-in-clubs/article6216754.ece?homepage=true

My Bundle of Joy is 25!

(On Pragya's Birthday, June 13, 2014)

Yes, it was just the other day I held you in my arms as my own little doll, a baby girl in a family of men and boys. O! How I wished to have a daughter, who my own mother had already named, years before you were born - Pragya. When you took your first tottering steps round that small table, when you bit my fingers with your first tiny teeth,when you steadied yourself clutching my trousers and when you snuggled in for the silly stories that I had to create every night, the delight was unbound. From the first day in the school, when you would keep looking back beseeching us to rescue you to the most mature member of the family looks like a leap in time. It looks as if it was yesterday when you spoke your first words and then again it looks so far away.

Then your going away to a boarding school. You may have cried aloud, but our hearts bled every day. But, what a blossom we plucked from your school after those years! Supremely confident and a sight to behold, how proud you made us! A guide to your parents beyond your age. We are becoming dependent on you and we didn't even notice the roles change.

Betu, even though it may have been an easy sail, you must prepare for the unseen and the unknown that may come your way. Twenty five years is a quarter of a century, but it is only a few years into adulthood. As the shade of your own parents slowly retreats, you will grow into one who must become that shade to others. So, live your life to the full, enjoy the zest of success as I know you will and yet keep your feet firmly planted and your moorings firm. It takes little to go adrift. All setbacks and heartaches must be allowed to fade and all successes and triumphs savoured. Share your joys with your friends and the sorrows with us. But, be the light that shows the path to all.

It is hard to imagine you will fly away one day to build your own nest. But, such a day must come and we will gladly see you go away. I will grieve not in your absence, but relive the moments of your life in my rocking chair with coffee in one hand a photo album in the other.

Happy Birthday, Betu!

 

बॉस की शिकायत

(सच्ची घटना पर आधारित)

एक बार मेरे एक बॉस ने मुझसे पूछा, "सुना है तुम पीठ पीछे मेरी शिकायत करते हो।"

मैंने तपाक से उत्तर दिया, "जी सर, करता हूँ।"

बॉस अवाक रह गये। सोचा होगा, मैं ना नुकुर करूँगा, बचाव में कुछ बोलूँगा, फिर वे मुझे हड़काएँगे और मैं दुम दबाकर माफ़ी मांगूगा, अहा कितना मज़ा आएगा!

पर बेचारे बॉस की योजना धरी की धरी रह गयी, जब मैंने कह ही डाला कि मैं उनकी पीठ के पीछे उनकी शिकायत करता हूँ। बॉस असंतुलित हो गये। फिर अपने आप को संभाला और दहाड़े, "क्या?"

उनका अनुमान था कि मैं दुबक जाउँगा और वे अपना टूटा सपना फिर से जोड़ पायेंगे। पर ऐसा कुछ नहीं हुआ।

मैंने कृत्रिम भोलेपन से कहा, "लेकिन सर, ऐसा तो आप भी करते होंगे न, अपने बॉस की बुराई, उनकी पीठ के पीछे?"

इससे पहले कि निरुत्तर बॉस फिर अपने आप को संभालें, मैंने वहाँ से खिसकने में ही अपनी भलाई समझी।

More on Coalgate

(On the eve of General Elections, 2014)

 

My toothpaste doesn't work anymore. Do you think I need to change the brand?

My favorite brand has doubled the adspend, but has been losing its old appeal. Gone are the claims of pearly white teeth, when what comes out of the tube is rather blackish. Somehow its name now resonates with something having to do with governance in India. A mere toothpaste brand and governance? I would think it was a good marketing boost.

Some friends tell me it is the other smaller brands that have got together to tarnish the leader of the pack. Some even claim that there is a foreign hand in it. Then some thought that you could squeeze and squeeze the tube and it would oblige endlessly. Even the family pack finally gave in. They say that the family now keeps its toothpaste in buckets. Me and my poor toothpaste!

They assure me a new branding exercise is round the corner and I could select another one if the old one has lost it.

 

Ain't I blessed!

I got a Friend request from one Sanjay Kumar with a photo of his toddler. Now I know a million Sanjay Kumars and then a few. The photo does not give me any idea who the gentleman is. Is he a childhood friend of mine? Or a colleague from Timbuktoo? Is this the photo of his daughter or his grand daughter? That could have given some clue to his age. Then again, was the photo taken in the Kumbh Mela or the Disney World? That could have told me something about his geographical location, for an ice cream cone and a popsicle are available equally easily in Allahabad and Florida, thanks to globalisation.

Maybe he wants me to look at his profile and find out who he is. Or, possibly find some common friends from his friends-list of over a thousand privileged humans and ask each one of them who the gentleman is and why I should become his friend. But, then there are over a hundred such "generic" requests pending and I have only three scores and ten years on the planet. And, of course, I have miles to go before I sleep.

But, I am genuinely interested in befriending him. I am sure his thousand strong friends community is a blessed lot. So, please help me, O God! And, please deliver me from this agony, My Dear Friends!

Please take a hard look at the photo of the cute little child and let me know if it strikes a chord. Do please tell me who the lucky father or grandfather of this cuddly little tot is. I shall, without any ado, accept the friend request of the great soul and enjoy the same heady feeling that his other friends revel in.

Mobile Phone Art

Americans - Their Cars and Their Cities

Americans are fond of naming their cars after cities. Some of the well-known ones are the Chevrolet Colorado, Chevrolet Malibu, Chevrolet Tahoe, Pontiac Montana, Hyundai Tucsan, Hyundai Santa Fe, Dodge Dakota, Dodge Daytona, Ford Gran Torino, Mercury Milan, Mercury Montego and so on. Not surprisingly they ran out of city names. So they borrowed city names from Europe. Actually they had done it well in advance anticipating the automobile revolution that was to come.

So, now they have a Leeds and a Birmingham in Alabama, Kensington and Manchester in California, Derby and Avon in Connecticut. There are thousands of such examples. I am told the European settlers and explorers, who came from various parts of Europe, to settle down in the land of opportunities brought the names of their cities along and named their settlements nostalgically. In fact there are at least ten Birminghams and twenty five Manchesters. Quite clearly, the postal department had a great lot of difficulty delivering letters when such confusion abounded. So, they started prefixing “New” before naming cities. Now we had New Jersey, New Castle, New Britain and New England, New Kent and of course New York , the Big Apple.

The Americans did not leave even Indian Cities alone. So, they had a Delhi each in New York and Louisiana. But before they could create a “New” version of that, we named our capital “New Delhi”. And, lo and behold, soon enough the Americans had a New Delhi in Illinois. But we had beaten them for sure this time. They cannot have a “NEW NEW DELHI”! I wonder why they did not name their cities Jalandhar or Ulhasnagar. Maybe the Canadians had laid an early claim to these names. But, what about A New Telugu Desam? Oops, we have brand new names now – New Telangana and New Seemandhra. I am told software companies in the Bay Area, SFO are infested with Indians from Andhra. In fact, they say that as soon as you enter their buildings you are accosted by the aroma of fresh sāmbhar wafting from their canteens, company canteens that serve the best South Indian cuisine in the world. Move aside Sarvana Bhavans and Udipi Eateries!

And now, the biggest blasphemy and most sacrilegious show of unforgivable irreverence of all. They now have a Salem of their own. A Salem in the state of Massachusetts! In fact they have nearly thirty Salems located in states from Alabama to Indiana and Iowa to Wisconsin. Well, I do not blame them for following the footsteps of a great man.

Now, coming back to the naming of cars after cities for that is how this tread started. Any self-respecting Indian would rather buy a car named after Indian cities than a Hyundai Tucson or a Ford Gran Torino, both now available in India. So how about

Ambassador Allahabad

Nano Naini

Maruti Mokama

Suzuki Singur

Hyundai Hogenakkal

Renault Ranchi

or .. .. .. a

Tata Tata