Goodbye, Facebook!

Decided to take a week off from the constant intrusion of Facebook into my life. But none noticed. Then I wrote this to some of my dear friends.

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Dear Friends,

Don’t tell me that you did not notice the dispirited me for the entire week. Did the looks of loss on my face, the downhearted gait, the furtive glances at the faces around, the gut-wrenching groans, the dishevelled looks, the fidgety fingers, the agony of de-addiction all go unnoticed?

I went off Facebook for the entire week and the world did not come to an end! My dearest ones did not even notice the absence of my ranting and statuses, the thoughtful photo-posts of my dog-chewing-on-his-blanket, nor even the likes I would award after profound pondering. I had such a bunch of thankless, loveless and disinterested circle of near and dear ones, and I mistook them for my friends! What has the social network come to?

I decided to take a sabbatical from the Facebook. This happened after my boss found me keying time-line posts, shooting off likes and sending birthday wishes during meetings from under the desk. This was also triggered when my wife caught me shooting off messages with greasy fingers on my newly-acquire Note-II, while munching my breakfast and muttering nothingness to her. So, rather than deleting my account, I deactivated it, much the way a drug-addict stashes away a few sachets of Cocaine or vials of Ecstasy, just in case. Zuckerberg knew that the addict would come back to him, again and again. Hence, the option of de-activation.

So, here I am, friends! Back in the arms of Marky, the drug lord. Pablo Escobar must be turning in his grave.

My Facebooking Wife

It is often said by management czars and Internet consultants that Social Media has connected the world together, has brought back long-lost friends and forgotten schoolmates to reconnect with. Has it, really?

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It is a cold winter morning and it feels good to remain snuggled under warm covers. But, suddenly I sense some movement and squirming and wait for the loving hug of the wife before we must slink out and the humdrum of life takes over. After much movement and ruffling of the sheets, a hand comes out. A hand not connected to a body, just to a voice, “Pass me the iPad”. I dutifully do the needful.

Lo and behold! The whole household comes alive. Wife is now wide awake, with reading glasses poised on the bridge of her nose and her fingers dancing deftly on the retina screen, just as my retinas were still looking for some respite from the photons streaming onto them. “Look!” She says, “I got twenty five likes and six comments! And you’re still sleeping! Now, be a darling and get me a nice cup of tea while I see how many friend requests have landed on my lap.”

“Twenty five likes and six comments! While we were fast asleep, her friends were apparently not”, I think, as I lumber over to the kitchen. In the flat and wired world of today, when the Sun of data shines on the whole planet all the time, does humanity ever sleep? My wife and her friends do not, I am sure.

In this world of instant likes and across the globe connects and friend-requests, I wonder what happened to the LIKE that I secured in her heart after years of sincere efforts, gifts of solitaires and incessant wooing after an arranged marriage. Intense love did blossom in my life, which was soon so complete and fulfilling, full of purpose and hope, complete with mutual respect and adoration. As I walk in with the cups of tea, she jumps and gives me a tight big hug. “See!” I tell myself, “she loves me still”. Just then she exclaims, “Look, here is Janaki, my classmate for three months in my school, when I was in grade four”. By now she is jumping with joy, “And, she has sent me a friend request and has liked my post on our dog’s new collar too!” A classmate for just three months in a distant past? And here I am, nearing the silver jubilee of my marriage, only to be displaced by an inert piece of electronics, a mere slate! Crestfallen, I sit down to sipping my tea, with Splenda to replace all the splendid moments I spent with her in life.

Watch out Mark Zuckerberg! All your IPO billions, your poorly conceived timeline and your graph search engine can’t save you when I come after you with a machete.