Call me Mister, Yo Salesman!

 

I got a call today from a call centre. The caller asked, “Am I speaking with Shubhranshu?”

I said, “No, you are speaking with Mister Shubhranshu.”

The caller was stumped for a few moments. He stuttered, recovered his composure, and said, “Of course, Mr. Shubhranshu.” Then he went ahead in his carefully cultivated monotone, trying to sell me some insurance policy, holiday plan or credit card. I don’t remember what it was, since I had switched off mentally by then. His product had lost the sale before he had even begun his pitch. Not because it was bad, but because his manners were worse.

These call-centre guys and gals are called “executives”. Well, they may be executives on the company payroll, but they are certainly not trained or evolved enough to behave like ones.

I would expect an executive calling me in English to address me as Mister, as ji in Hindi, or as garu or moshai in Telugu or Bangla, respectively. Surely, this is not asking for the moon. It is only asking for a little courtesy, something that ought to come free with every sales pitch.

No, Mr. Executive, I am not your friend, your college buddy, or your long-lost brother. And no, I am not a resident of the United States, where addressing a complete stranger by his first name seems to have become a national preference. You may even have acquired a brand-new American accent, painstakingly drilled into you by some trainer who believes that replacing “How are you, sir?” with “Hey, Shubhranshu!” is the secret sauce of successful selling.

It isn’t.

I may be a small town person, but I know the difference between familiarity and disrespect. And if you want to do business with me, a little respect would be a good place to start. After all, I am the prospective customer, not your childhood chum. The fact that you have my phone number does not mean that we have been formally introduced.

You may have the best hotel discounts, the most comprehensive insurance policy, or the greatest credit card in the history of plastic money, with complimentary lounge access at every airport in the world. You may even throw in a free holiday on Mars, should Elon Musk finally get his act together. But do address me with respect if you want to sell me your wares.

I am quite capable of deciding whether your product is worth buying. I do not need you to teach me informality as a precondition for doing business.

Else, I am not interested. Don’t bother to call me again.

I have put you on the Call-Me-Mister Registry.

Membership of the registry is automatic. There is no annual fee, no lounge access, and absolutely no complimentary upgrades. And once enrolled, you may find it rather difficult to get off the list.

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