IS THIS GUY A SALES AGENT OF AMERICAN UNIVERSITIES?

We all know the "seminars" Australian Universities hold every year in India to catch the rich kids. Education is business in Australia and Indians are the biggest customers. Or, shall we say the raw material or the fuel to keep their teaching factories going?

But, Narayan Murthy is professing that India spends five billion dollars every year in educating our students in American Universities for next fifty years!

Mr Murthy! Why not spend five billion dollars every year in India to set up world class Universities? One can set up a Harvard style University in India for about 100 million dollars or say 700 crore Rupees. We could set up fifty Harvard Universities in India for five billion dollars. Fifty every year, that is. For next fifty years!

We will not get good teachers, you would say. Then set up forty Harvard style Universities for four billion dollars and employ the best professors for the remaining billion dollars. You could get the best in the world for that kind of money. 

The problem, Mr Murthy, is not sending 10,000 PhD students every year to the USA. The problem is what jobs we will offer them when they come back. Do we have the laboratories and research houses to employ ten thousand PhDs every year? And what salaries will we offer them? That of the peon? Didn't you hear that nearly two million candidates, some of them PhDs and MTechs, applied for a mere three hundred jobs of peons in Uttar Pradesh?

On second thoughts, why not spend half of five billion dollars in setting up twenty five Harvards or MITs in India and spend the rest in setting up high class research labs. But again, who will be the customers of such labs and of the fantastic designs they will churn out year after year? Does the Indian industry have it in them to absorb such research products? 

Well, Mr. Murthy! You need to read up some economics after all that COBOL programming that you have learnt. You can't develop an economy in such a lopsided manner. And please stop being an agent of the American Education system. It is sinking for some time now and it is going down for reasons well known to them. We will not prop them up.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/business/india-business/Send-10k-PhD-students-each-year-to-US-Narayana-Murthy/articleshow/50780069.cms

BUREAUCRATISATION OF EDUCATION

When I was a school going child, the only authority I knew in the school was the Principal or the Headmaster. The Principal, aided by the Vice-Principal, epitomised all the powers that were to be exercised in running the school, from caning and disciplining the students, decisions regarding admissions, upkeep of the playgrounds and gardens, cleanliness of the campus, time-tabling, examination and vacation dates to meeting the parents.

 

In the last two to three decades or so, schools have come to be owned by "trusts". So, now we have a Chairman of the trust, a vice-chairman, a Secretary, a Treasurer and numerous trustees. The poor Principal is now placed so low in the hierarchy that he is probably just a trifle above his pupils. Same goes for colleges thousands of which have sprung up every few kilometres as one travels in the country side. Of course, the trusts are just a facade for ostensible "no-profit" venture that these seats of learning pretend to be. All the donations, building funds, development funds, proprietary sale of books and stationary to students from in-house counters and all other non-tuition payments form the real motive of these trusts, which only fatten their members and line their pockets. 

 

I was once invited as the Chief Guest to a famous engineering college in Salem, Tamil Nadu. The Principal himself came to invite me and I felt honoured to be visited by him. But, when I was seated on the stage, the Principal was nowhere to be seen. I had the company of the trustees and some other spurious dignitaries. The programme started and I was surprised to find the Principal getting up from a corner seat come up and touch the feet of the Chairman, the Secretary, the Treasurer and a few other members in succession. This was a shocking let down for me. I had always envisioned a Principal as the supreme authority in a college. As the programme progressed, it became clear to me that the whole exercise was a show of sycophancy, subservience and obsequiousness. The trustees were the reigning deities, who were paid obeisance by one an all, the Principal, the Heads of Departments and College students alike. In the melee the Chief Guest was also forgotten. The Principal, upon whose visit I had felt honoured, was merely a messenger of the trustees after all!

 

I remember my days in school and college, where the Principal and senior teachers were role models and symbols of dignity and probity. But, here I saw the Principal and HODs in a role so diminished that students would probably have no reverence towards them. They would all learn to stand in awe of non-academic authorities. I have, likewise, seen some schools that are run on "corporate" lines, many of which love to call themselves XYZ International School. We see a Managing Director, an Executive Director and a few Deputy Directors in them. Each one of them have office chambers in the school building and when they come avisiting, the Principal is seen running errands for them or flitting in and out of the hallowed chambers attempting to look like obedient junior schoolboys. And, when the MD himself visits, they line up small students from the gate up to the portico showering flower petals on him. In my school the Principal's office was a much feared or a much respected place depending on the type of student one was.  There was absolutely no authority above him. Today the Principal stands probably at number seven in the rank.

 

The school and college management has taken faithfully after the government or corporate bureaucracy. Teaching and learning are incidental and the main purpose seems to be massaging the ego of hierarchy that has been unnecessarily created. Money making and its laundering continues as the hidden agenda.

 

Needless to say, I never visited any such Institution again. 

चाय मैं क्यों बनाऊँ?

आप किसी बड़े होटल में जाकर चाय का ऑर्डर करें तो कमबख्त आपको चाय-पत्ती, चीनी, दूध लाकर परोस देते हैं। यहां तक कि छन्नी भी पटक जाते हैं। "लो जी, बनाओ और पी लो।" वह तो गनीमत है कि कोयला और अंगीठी नहीं दे जाते कि जाओ चूल्हा भी आप ही जला लो। पानी गर्म दे जाते हैं।

अब आप ही सोचो कि ऐसे होटल में आपको यदि चिकन-मसाला और पराठे खाने की इच्छा हुई तो क्या होगा? बेयरा आपकी टेबुल पर जिंदा मुर्गी और मसाले धर देगा और बोलेगा, "साहब जी, आप मुर्गी हलाल करो और मसाले कूटो-पीसो, तब तक मैं कड़ाही लेकर आता हूँ। और आटा आपको कौन सा चलेगा - शक्तिभोग या पिल्सबरी मल्टीग्रेन? आटा गूँथने के लिये पानी कौन सा चाहिए - बिसलेरी मांगता है या नलके का मारूँ?  अभी लेकर हाजिर हुआ।"

अब ये भी कोई आउटिंग हुई, साहब? ऐसे ईटिंग आउट का क्या मज़ा? अरे भाई, मैंने चाय मंगाई है। सीधे-सीधे एक प्याली चाय ले आओ। और ये क्या टेबुल पर काटना-पीसना-पकाना? तुम्हारा खानसामा भाग गया है क्या? मुझे बख्शो, बरखुरदार! आगे से मैं रामप्रसाद के ढाबे पर ही जाऊंगा।

                                           ---ooo---

NIRBHAYA'S RAPIST WALKS FREE

It had to happen. There is no law under which the juvenile criminal could have been kept in confinement any longer. The same TV anchors and activists, who had painted the country black, called all men potential rapists, cried crocodile tears at the deficiencies in the criminal justice system and at the treacherous social mindset are now crying themselves hoarse at the inadequacy of the law. They are acting in stupefied horror that the boy has been set at large. Didn't the other day Leslie Udwin videograph the boy, who showed no remorse. Didn't the Barkha Dutts and Rajdeep Sardesais bark at you from the idiot box how the boy represented half the country, namely all the males of India? Well, the criminal, who gave the country shivers is now out, set free by the same justice system that delivered judgements on Salman Khans and Tarun Tejpals, the cocktail-mates of these very anchors and activists. 

The only person, who appears as a symbol of sanity and calm in this cacophony of TRP chasing TV channels has been the mother of Nirbhaya. She has appeared in TV programmes as an image of immense fortitude and patient demeanour, demanding justice for her daughter in a calm and firm voice. She has been consistently composed, yet articulate in all her appearances in spite of the indescribable pain she suffers every day due the gory mutilation and death of her darling daughter. The grieving mother has handled provocative questions designed to incite angry response and to break her down with memories of her child. But, while the TRPs of the shows went up, the lady never gave in to emotional outbursts, remaining steadfast in voicing her demand for justice.

Even today, when she walked towards the courtroom, insolent and rude TV journalists blocked her path and indecorously thrust the microphones in her face. All she had for them was a frown as she pushed the mikes aside. She was disheartened with the judgement of the High Court, but disappointed the byte-hungry reporters by her stoic calm and display of restrained grief.

माँ, तुझे सलाम!

Let's Learn Some Mechanical Engineering (Or, A Lesson on What CausesPollution)

IC (Internal Combustion) Engines are the engine (pun intended) of growth and progress of human civilisation. We cannot live without them. All engines cause pollution. Even Petrol Engines cause pollution. The question is why, when and how much.

1. Large engines do not necessarily cause more pollution. On the contrary, it is the cheap, small engines of scooters and auto-rickshaws that pollute more. A single five year old scooter or a TSR (Three Wheeler Scooter Rickshaw) will, as a general rule, pollute more than three or four petrol cars of the same vintage. A poorly maintained TSR, even when running on CNG, can pollute more than ten cars.
2. Overloaded automobiles cause more pollution. So, a two-wheeler with two or three passengers will pollute far more than a car with four passengers.
3. An idling automobile, typically one standing at traffic signals, pollutes several time more than when it is moving.
4. An IC engine, whether of a car or of a scooter (2/3 wheeler) is best run at 60-70% of its maximum power. If you overload it, it spews toxic gases and particulates. You can easily understand that it is far easier to overload a two-wheeler or a three-wheeler because it is underpowered to start with. We are not all riding Harley Davidsons, are we? Ours are equipped with puny 100-200cc engines.
5. Carbon Dioxide is not a pollutant. It is merely a Green House Gas. It causes global warming as told by environmentalist. It does not cause pollution. Oxides of Nitrogen (NOx) and Suspended (Fine) Particulate Matter (SPM) are pollutants. Sulphurous gases are pollutants too. But, with Euro 3/4 diesel now being sold, there is virtually no sulphur in automobile exhaust. That leaves only NOx and SPM.
6. A typical farmer and his children are subject to far more SPM due to dust in the fields, burning of hay and other farming activities. So, Delhiites are not the worst hit citizens of India.
7. A poor woman inhales more carbon soot, carbon monoxide (a pollutant), sulphurous fumes and SPM in a day's cooking than an average Delhiite does in a year.
8. Pollution is a relatively local phenomenon. Pollutants of air do not travel far and wide. They settle down or get washed down in rains. They also disperse and become less harmful. Though these processes do not neutralise all the pollutants completely, most are taken care of nature in due course. Pollution overload does happen and that requires strong measures. Pollutants tend to linger longer in humid air as they from aerosols with water droplets. This typically causes the Delhi smog. In my view Delhi still does not have a pollution overload.
9. GHG is a global phenomenon. These gases ride on winds and affect global environment. That is why we have Kyoto and Paris like international conferences to handle them. We do not have international conferences on NOx and SPM since they are local phenomena.
10. Large cars, such as those 2+ litre SUVs now banned by the Supreme Court, produce more carbon dioxide since they burn more fuel. They do not necessarily pollute more. Again, carbon dioxide is not a pollutant. It does not cause asthma nor burn your eyes.
11. Diesel Engines have a reputation of being big polluters. This is not as true for new cars. If maintained well and run properly, they will not pollute significantly more than petrol cars. In any case the Pollution Under Check (PUC) certification is supposed to ensure that their pollution remains within limits.
12. If we need to have diesel cars that should pollute even less, we need to tighten the parameters of PUC certificate. This will compel the car owners to spend more to maintain them in fine fettle. That will be a bigger discouraging factor for potential diesel car buyers than the one-time green cess. This will also ensure that diesel cars registered in Gurgaon, NOIDA or Faridabad, but run in Delhi become less polluting. You cannot levy a cess on such cars which are registered outside, but you can subject them to the more stringent PUC certification if they enter the borders of Delhi.
13. A standing car does not pollute, a moving car does. Or more specifically, it is a car-trip (or a scooter-trip) that pollutes. If you keep odd or even numbered cars off the road, it does not reduce total car-trips by half. In lieu of private car trips we will have taxi-trips and TSR-trips. And, TSRs pollute more than cars. Even if some people use buses, it does not cut pollution by half. Buses are generally poorly maintained and pollute more than permissible. An overloaded bus is a smokestack.

#delhismog  #airpollution #pollution

Kamaal (Khan) Hai

The idea behind bringing the matter of Kamaal Khan is not seeking acquittal of Salman Khan. If Kamaal Khan was indeed a defence witness, the lawyers of Salman would have sought his presence during the trial. But, having already given a statement to the police and elsewhere, he was a known prosecution witness. By not calling him to the witness box and stating that other witnesses were enough to nail Salman, the prosecution, in a very calculated and clever manner, had already planned to help the accused in the long run.

Now, Kamaal Khan, is being mentioned by the convict and his lawyers as a key witness, who was never called. They know well that he had given a statement against Salman. They why does the accused want him interrogated now?

Actually, the intention is not to interrogate him at all. The scheme is to sow a seed of doubt in the minds of higher courts that a key witness, who was never called, could have brought about a major impact on the proceedings. The defence knew, and knows even today, that Kamaal Khan is a potentially damning witness in the case. The intention is to rake up this unexamined key witness to seek bail. And, we all know that bail once granted to a rich man lasts till his day of entering the grave.

The intention was never acquittal for that would be impossible. Intention was to facilitate bail. The seed of doubt in the judgement was sowed even before the hearings began. It was sowed by the prosecution under a clever plan of helping the accused when it really mattered - in his bail plea. The seed is now a tree and has just borne the first fruit.

Manufacturing my foot!

There is a race to become the Number Two amongst Indian mobile phone manufacturers. Read the news linked below. Two Indian "manufacturers", viz. Intex and Micromax are the top runners. This could be an interesting hair-raising contest, except that it is a fake contest, a proxy race, because both these companies are mere traders of Chinese stuff, just the way the Number One "manufacturer" Samsung is. They are not manufacturers by any stretch of the interpretation of the term.

Isn't it shameful that each of these companies, Intex and Micromax, is quoting import data to prove that it is a bigger manufacturer than the other? These so called manufacturers import fully assembled mobile phones, with packaging and even the plastic wrapping done in China. Their manuals are printed in China as well and placed in the respective boxes in the foreign land. How can they be called manufacturers of mobile phones, when all they do is trading of bought out wares? Such contract manufacturing in China or a few other countries is now the norm for Indian "manufacturers" of almost anything that we use in our daily lives - light fittings, LED or CFL lamps, switches and sockets on our walls, ceiling fans or table fans, kitchen gadgets and utensils, plastic trays and buckets, holy images of our deities and firecrackers, containers and photo frames, most of the furniture, carpets and mats, paintings and vases, Hawaii chappals and shoes, all electronic gadgets, safety razors and what have you. Yet, I am sure the importers of these goods would love to call themselves manufacturers. Even the facade of screw driver technology is gone. We are now in a crate-uncrate phase of the fallacy of Indian manufacturer. Bring in containers of readymade packaged goods and sell it under an Indian name. Even the cardboard-packing is done abroad along with the price labelling as a part of the new manufacturing paradigm.

Saying that Apple or Walmart do the same is not going to solve our problem of unfathomable unemployment and poverty. Let's us ask why Intex and Micromax do not manufacture mobile phones in India. After all, four crore handsets annually is a reasonable quantity to set up a factory for. Micromax claims that it had imported 9.7 million phones in the third quarter of this year and Intex imported 8.4 million. Given that we have at least three other Indian mobile phone brands, which are doing good business, we are probably importing about seven to eight crore "Indian" mobile phones annually from China. Wouldn't such a huge volume make a local manufacturing base even more viable? One would think that contract manufacturing in India could be a robust business proposition given the volumes we need locally.

What is holding them back from setting up large world-class factories in India? Is it license-permit raj? Why does such a Raj exist even after decades of claims that we have done away with it? It was probably easier to dismantle the British Raj. Is it lack of skilled manpower? Why do our ITIs continue to churn out carpenters and fitters, when we need assemblers and testers in microelectronics? Is it lack of allied and supporting businesses? I have learnt that if a mobile phone manufacturer in China wants one million pieces of a tiny screw or a rubber gasket, he walks into the next street and orders for it and it would be delivered the next morning! If he wants one million pieces of molded plastic frames or covers, he does the same. And he does have to work a minute harder even to buy even a million pieces of hi-tech LCD displays. What can make such an ecosystem for manufacture develop in India? Well, how about the first step towards it?

Don't worry about an uninterrupted power arrangement. The entrepreneur will set up his own DG set. Don't even bother to provide cheap rail transport. He will hire a road container service. Don't worry about laying shiny roads to his doorsteps. He will work around such obstacles. Also, protect him from hafta-collectors, both the political and the criminal type. Make it easy for him to buy land.  Just help him by ridding him of the paperwork and of running around in the corridors of powers, dancing circles around the factory and excise inspector and the taxman and labour-law enforcer. Relieve the management of these things and let him apply himself to his business, which is already quite challenging and prone to risks and failures. Make it easy for him to raise money, to sign contracts and enforce them, hire and train personnel and to manufacturer, ship, service and make profits. That is what he is there for.

http://articles.economictimes.indiatimes.com/2015-09-12/news/66465809_1_intex-micromax-counterpoint-research

JUST ASKING

Monsieur Hollande and Frau Merkel,

Are you guys sure you are taking in Refugees and not migrants? Refugees are temporary shelter seekers, who are running away from persecution, genocide or mass hunger. They have a desire to eventually return to their homeland one day. Migrants are here to stay to eventually became a sharer of your destiny, your jobs, your wealth, education, healthcare and general well-being. We know the refugee variety well for we have been a generous host to nearly ten million refugees from our Eastern neighbour, who were running away from mass-murders, rape, plunder and unspeakable horrors of oppression. They went back largely in a couple of years. India was an extremely poor country then, but we welcomed them with open arms and sent them off with heavy hearts. We shared our bread and land, our civic facilities, our pavements, hospitals, homes and school buildings. More importantly we shared their grief. That they keep coming back as illegal immigrants to participate in the prosperity of a growing economy is a different matter. We understand that this new influx is of illegal migrants and not of refugees and will deal with it some day, when we have a strong political will.

But, are you sure that the ten million that stand at your gates are mere refugees? Are you certain you will be able to persuade them to go back? Or, will their home countries ever be back to civilised existence, where women and children of these refugees be safe again? When this happened to us, we helped the millions by fighting militarily in their country to drive out the tyrants and made their land liveable once again. Can you do that? Do you have it in you to be an Indira Gandhi? She won an entire country for its people and gave it back to them. And she did it hands-on, not by some remote bombing raids.

Do you see this picture of a 5 paisa postage stamp labelled "Refugee Relief"? The whole country of India, every single one of the 650 million poor people of this great country paid this cess gladly for months and months on every letter and postcard they sent to their loved ones. This was done out of a common concern for the burden that this country was carrying in looking after the Bangla Deshi refugees. We did not close our doors on them, but opened the doors of their own motherland so that they could go back and live again with dignity and self-respect.

No, Mr. Hollande and no, Madam Merkel! You are not an Indira Gandhi. You are now guided by bleeding heart liberals, the nano-sized civil society that has the megaphones, the political colleagues in your neighbourhood, who are competing with each other to prove that their tears roll down faster for the tyrannised and tormented than those of the aggrieved themselves. The self-proclaimed intelligentsia has captured the mindspace of entire nations. They think on our behalf, they are outraged on our behalf and they feel hurt, aggrieved and wronged on our behalf. They now control the news and they direct the discourse on television, in seminars and in human rights bodies and NGOs. Indeed, they have usurped the entire mechanism of governance, policing and policy. And, they have done it with no popular mandate, no elections won and no participation in wider debate. They have done it in the reassuring crony-comfort of TV studios and conference halls, without lifting a finger of their own. They produce and consume news, they speak and hear themselves and applaud. They verily revel in this incest of thoughts.

We have begun to see that in India, but have you?

हाय मेरा बिहार

भारत के प्राचीन देश में मेरा राज्य बिहार
सबसे पहले यहीं बनी थी प्रजातंत्र सरकार
प्रजातंत्र सरकार विश्व की पथप्रदर्शिका
संस्कृति की औ' मानवता की मार्गदर्शिका

यही बिहार का राज्य रहा जो विश्वगुरु कहलाता था
विक्रमशिला और नालंदा, ज्ञान से गहरा नाता था
जब किंतु वे नष्ट हुए, उबर नहीं पाया अबतक
क्लांतिहीन हो गया राज्य जो ज्ञानपुंज का था रक्षक

नये देश ने उत्साहित हो बागडोर सँभाली थी
जैसे ही इस अँधियारे में राह निकलने वाली थी
तभी डँस गया नाग विषैला फिर घेरा अँधियारे ने
सूखा ठूँठ बस बचा जहाँ फूलों की सुंदर डाली थी

छात्र हुए हैं दिशाहीन, शिक्षक कर्त्तव्य से स्खलित हुए
मात-पिता अति चिंतित हैं, संतान-व्यथा से गलित हुए
याद करो मागध, वैशाली और जनक के वैभवकाल
गंगा से सिंचित ये धरती क्यों होती रहती बेहाल

लूट-खसोट और धमकी-बलवे दिनचर्या में आम हुए
अपहरण, फिरौती, बेदख़ली और कितने क़त्लेआम हुए
भ्रमित-भयातुर जन पशुओं की भाँति दुबके बैठ रहे
जातिवाद, लालच, हथियार प्रजातंत्र के दाम हुए

भ्रष्टाचार, निष्कर्म, निरर्थक-शासन, कुछ ना होता है
बेबस, मूक नागरिक बस अपनी क़िस्मत को रोता है
भई किसान की भूमि सूखी जो वृष्टि ने आँखें फेरीं
हर ग़रीब और हर किसान क़र्ज़ों का बोझा ढोता है

बुद्ध, महावीर की धरती तनिक शांति को रोती है
माँ बच्चों की क़िस्मत पर ना जगती ना सोती है
रक्षक भक्षक बन बैठे, अपनी रोटी हैं सेंक रहे
जनता वहीं चिता से लगकर ख़ाली पेटों सोती है

                    ---ooo---

टोपी-वापसी

दो गाँवों के बीच एक जंगल था। उस जंगल में एक ऊँचे-बड़े पेड़ पर अनेकों बंदर रहते थे। उनमें से कुछ अपने-आपको साहित्यकार कहते थे, तो कुछ कलाकार। कुछ वैज्ञानिक होने का दंभ भरते थे, तो कुछ फ़िल्म-निर्माता होने का दावा करते थे। वर्षों से गाँव वाले उस जंगल में नहीं जाते थे। इसलिये बंदरों को लोग भूल-सा गये थे। बंदर भी उपेक्षित महसूस कर रहे थे, या कहें कि आइडेंटिटी क्राइसिस नामक बीमारी से ग्रस्त हो चले थे।

एक दिन बंदरों को अपनी हालत सुधारने का मौक़ा मिल ही गया। एक टोपीवाला टोपियाँ बेचते-बेचते एक गाँव से दूसरे गाँव जा रहा था। उसने टोपियों से भरी टोकरी सिर पर उठा रखी थी। कंधे पर रोटी और गुड़ से भरी पोटली टँगी थी। रास्ते में टोपीवाले ने एक घना छायादार वृक्ष देखा तो सोचा क्यों न थोड़ा सुस्ता लूँ। ये वही बंदरों वाला पेड़ था। उधर जब बंदरों ने जब अर्से बाद एक आदमी को गुज़रते हुए देखा तो बड़े प्रसन्न हुए। जब टोपीवाले ने पेड़ के नीचे डेरा डाला तब तो बंदरों की बाँछें खिल गईं। पेड़ के नीचे बैठते ही थकान के कारण टोपीवाले की आँख लग गई।

बंदरों के सरदार ने आनन-फ़ानन में एक सभा बुलाई और फुसफुसाते हुए अपने साथियों से बोला - देखो, सालों से इस सुनसान जंगल में कोई नहीं आता। गाँववाले इधर का मुँह करते ही डरते हैं। अब इतने लंबे समय के बाद यह पथिक यहाँ आया है। चलो हम सब मिलकर इसकी इतनी सेवा करें कि हमारे आतिथ्य की चर्चा फैल जाये। गाँववाले फिर से इस रास्ते चलने लगेंगे और आते-जाते हम बंदों को दो-चार टुकड़े डाल दिया करेंगे। बंदर सरदार की बात सुनकर बड़े ख़ुश हुए। उन्हें सदा ऐसे मौक़े की तलाश रहती थी जिससे, उनकी पुरानी पहचान वापस मिल जाये, और खाने-पीने का कोई स्थाई इंतज़ाम हो जाये। अर्थात् पुरानी मुफ़्तख़ोरी की दुकान फिर से राशन बाँटने लगे।

लेकिन बंदर तो ठहरे आख़िर बंदर, चाहे वे साहित्यकार हों या वैज्ञानिक। उन्हें क्या पता मेहमान की आवभगत कैसे की जाती है। सबके सब नीचे उतरे और जैसे ही उनकी नज़र टोपीवाले की पोटली पर पड़ी, वे सारा संयम भूल गये और देखते ही देखते बेचारे टोपीवाले का सारा भोजन सफाचट कर गये। फिर उनकी नज़र टोपियों पर पड़ी। बंदरों ने एक-एक टोपी पहन ली और पेड़ की डालों पर जा बैठे। बंदरों की धमाचौकड़ी से टोपीवाले की नींद खुल गई।

आगे की कहानी आप जानते हैं कि कैसे एक बंदर की नक़ल करते-करते सारे बंदरों ने टोपियाँ वापस कर दीं। मेरा आपसे सिर्फ़ यह अनुरोध है कि हाल की पुरस्कार वापसी की घटनाओं से बंदरों की कहानी को न जोड़ें। बंदरों की भी भावनाएँ होती हैं।

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मनाओ दीपावली!

पिछली बार, जब रामचंद्र जी लंका से आये थे तब ऐसी दीवाली मनाई गई थी। इस बार छोटा राजन जी के स्वदेश-आगमन पर दीपोत्सव की तैयारियॉं हैं।

छोटा राजन ने अपने आपको गिरफ़्तार करने दिया, बड़ी मेहरबानी। छोटा राजन से मिलने इंडोनेशिया में अवस्थित भारतीय दूतावास के अधिकारी जेल गये। वही अधिकारी, जो दूतावास कार्यालय में सहायता के लिये गये भारतीय नागरिकों से सीधे मुँह बात तक नहीं करते, छोटा राजन से सींखचों के पीछे गुफ़्तगू करके आह्लादित हुए। घर आए तो पत्नी और बच्चों ने ऐसा स्वागत किया जैसे कि राजनयिक महोदय रणथंभोर का क़िला फ़तह करके आए हों।

"पापा, पापा, छोटा राजन ने कौन से रंग की टीशर्ट पहनी थी? टी वी पर तो पिंक लग रही थी, पर मैं सोच रही थी कि मरून होगी। आख़िर इतना मैचो आदमी पिंक क्यों पहनेगा भला?" बिटिया ने पूछा।

"और, पापा," राजनयिक का बेटा बोला, "छोटा राजन अंकल आपसे क्या बोले? यू मीन, उन्होंने आपसे डायरेक्ट बात की, फ़ेस टू फ़ेस? आप डरे तो नहीं, मेरे बहादुर पापा?"

तभी बच्चों की मम्मी बोल पड़ीं, "अरे नहीं बेटा, तुम्हारे पापा ऐसे छोटे-मोटे राजनों से डरने वाले थोड़े ही है! और सुनो जी, मोटे से याद आया, तुम्हें ऐसा नहीं लगा कि मिस्टर स्मॉल राजन ने थोड़ा वेट गेन कर लिया है? सुना है स्ट्रेस में ऐसा होता है।"

साहब बोले, "चलो, अब घर का खाना मिलेगा तो मिस्टर राजन की हेल्थ फिर सुधर जाएगी। वे बोल भी रहे थे कि ऑस्ट्रेलियाई बेस्वाद भोजन उन्हें बिलकुल सूट नहीं करता।"

बेटा झट से बोला, "हॉं मम्मी, छोटा राजन अंकल के लिये आर्थर रोड जेल में स्पेशल इंतज़ाम हो रहे हैं।"

मम्मी - तुझे कैसे पता?

बेटा - आज ही तो अर्नब अंकल बोल रहे थे, टी वी पर।

मम्मी अपने सपूत के जेनरल नॉलेज पर गर्व से फूल उठीं। पर बोलीं, "बेटा, तुम किसी को भी अंकल बोलने लगते हो। छोटा राजन जी की बात और है, पर ये अर्नब गोस्वामी कबसे तुम्हारा अंकल हो गया?"

फिर मैडम थोड़ा शर्माकर बोलीं, "सुनो जी, वो डिप्टी चीफ़ ऑफ़ मिशन की वाइफ़ मिसेज़ शर्मा बता रहीं थीं कि वो भी मिस्टर छोटा राजन से मिलकर आई हैं। तुम मुझे भी ले चलते तो कितना अच्छा रहता!"

साहब थोड़ा संकुचित हो गये और बोले, "दरअसल मुझे जल्दी में दफ़्तर से ही जेल जाना पड़ा। शर्मा जी तो घर जाकर कपड़े-वपड़े बदल कर गये, ऑकेज़न ही ऐसा था। तभी लग गई होंगी मिसेज़ शर्मा भी उनके साथ। अब तो कुछ हो भी नहीं सकता क्योंकि कल सुबह की फ्लाइट से ही छोटा राजन जी भारत जा रहे हैं।"

बेटा अपना सामान्य ज्ञान बधारते हुए बोला, "हॉं मम्मी, इंडिया से सी बी आई के बहुत सारे अंकल आए हैं राजन अंकल को रिसीव करने। सुना है कल उन लोगों ने बाली के किसी नाइट क्लब पर रेड भी डाली थी।"

मैडम बोलीं, "जाने दो, कोई बात नहीं। वैसे भी ये तो छोटा राजन था। लेकिन जब बड़ा राजन पकड़ा जाए तब याद रखना। सबसे पहले मैं जेल जाऊँगी।"

साहब ने बात गाँठ बाँध ली थी और फ़िर से चाय की चुस्कियाँ लेने लगे थे।

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यह मुँह और मसूर की दाल?

आज प्रात: श्रीमती जी ने बड़े पशोपेश में डाल दिया। नाश्ते में एक कटोरी अंकुरित मूँग परोस डाली, साथ में कटा हुआ प्याज़। टेबुल पर नज़र पड़ते ही मेरी तो चीख़ निकल गई, "अरे ये क़ीमती चीज़ें यहाँ खुले में क्यों पड़ी हैं? कितनी बार कहा है, इनको सहेजकर रखा करो। ये जो गोदरेज की आलमारी ख़रीदी है, वो क्यों ख़रीदी है?"

श्रीमतीजी बोलीं - अब छोड़ो भी, तुम्हारी उमर हुई। अब यदि महीने में एक बार भी दाल नहीं खाओगे, तो प्रोटीन कैसे मिलेगी, सेहत कैसे रहेगी?

मैंने कहा - पर पूरी एक कटोरी? ज़रा सोचो, मैं पूरे महीने बैल की तरह खटकर पैसे कमाता हूँ, एक-एक पाई करके तुम बचाती हो। क्या इसी फ़िज़ूलख़र्ची के लिये? अरे एक कटोरी में तो एक महीने की प्रोटीन पूरा मुहल्ला खा सकता है।

वो बोलीं - चलो तुम एक चम्मच तो खा लो। बाक़ी मैं किटी-पार्टी में कैश की जगह डाल दूँगी। आजकल दाल और प्याज़ भी चलते हैं। ज़रा सोचो, अगर मेरी बारी आ गई और एकमुश्त सवा किलो दाल मिल गई तो हम क्या-क्या कर सकते हैं।

मेरी कल्पना उड़ानें भरने लगी - अगले हफ़्ते बॉस को डिनर पर बुला ही लूँगा। छौंक लगी अरहर दाल देखकर बॉस अपनी ख़ुशी संभाल पाएँ, इसके पहले ही एक पूरा कटा हुआ प्याज़ पेश कर डालूँगा। फ़िर तो मेरी इनक्रीमेंट पक्की। जी तो हुआ कि श्रीमती जी के हाथ चूम लूँ। क्या समझदारी और दूरंदेशी पाई है मेरी सहधर्मिणी ने। पर जैसे ही हाथ चूमने उठा कि खुली हुई खिड़की पर नज़र पड़ी।

बोल पड़ा - और ये खिड़की क्यों खोल रखी है? किसी ने मुखबिरी कर दी तो पता नहीं कब इनकम टैक्स का छापा पड़ जाये। उससे बड़ी मुसीबत तो तब होगी जब कोई पड़ोसन दाल ही माँगने आ जाये। 

श्रीमती जी बोलीं - देखो जी, मैंने ये कैल्कुलेटेड रिस्क लिया है। कल मिसेज़ शर्मा ने दाल की कटोरी जानबूझकर कर खिड़की पर रख डाली थी। मेरे तो सीने पर साँप लोट गया। अरे हम भी कोई ऐरे-ग़ैरे थोड़े ही हैं? आज शरमाइन भी देख लें। अरे तुम्हें भी पूरी कटोरी थोड़े ही खानी है। बस चम्मच ज़रा ज़ोर से टनकार देना।

मेरी कल्पना अभी हवा से बातें कर ही रही थी। हाँ, तो बॉस के डिनर के बाद बची हुई दाल सहेज कर रख दूँगा। अब बॉस कोई सवा किलो दाल थोड़े ही डकारेंगे। कुछ बेचकर बेटे के कॉलेज की मोटी फ़ीस चुका दूँगा। बाक़ी से बेटी की शादी में बरातियों का स्वागत करूँगा, ज़रा धूम रहेगी।

पत्नी की बातों में मुझे मेरा और पूरे परिवार का भविष्य सुरक्षित नज़र आ रहा था। मानों जीवन बीमा की कोई अच्छी पॉलिसी हाथ लग गई हो। तंद्रा टूटी तो मैंने कहा - चलो, एक चम्मच मूँग दे ही डालो। फिर थोड़े काजू दे देना, उसी से पेट भर लूँगा।

फिर चलते-चलते मन ही मन सोचा - ज़रा देखो, अपनी श्रीमतीजी जिसे मैं घर की मुर्ग़ी दाल बराबर समझता था, आज बड़े-बड़े अर्थशास्त्रियों के कान काटती नज़र आ रही थी। आज मेरी धर्मपत्नी अरहर, मूँग और मसूर से भी ज़्यादा चमक रही थी। कितना भाग्यशाली हूँ मैं। तभी वो मुहावरा याद आ गया - यह मुँह और मसूर की दाल? दफ़्तर की बस आ गई थी और मैंने लपक कर हैंडल पकड़ लिया था।

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